I am have been through so much in the last 25 years it is not funny. If you pick any year from 1991-2016 I can tell you of something in any of those years that was happening and was destroying my life. Here are a few examples. Lost best friend ever to AIDS. Caring for my mom with Alzheimers. Mom passing in 2003. Homeless 3 times. Living in a motel room with crackheads to keep a roof over my head, and I never did the stuff not once, we all managed to get up and go to our same job. Being stabbed by a room mate I had 7 1/2 years over nothing. Also to have a roof living with my Aunt and her 3 homophobic sons. I managed to get out of there April 2014 and into this government assistance housing but I truly hate this building and so many gossipy people and too many rules. I need add the loss of my little dog last Sept. basically due to someone's extreme stupidity. The reason I do not go get another dog is cause of all those rules, nasty people in here the month before she died accused me of leaving waste on the grass and I did not. I want to be in a place where I can have a yard and not worry about that. I have this really awesome church I attend and they have a Bible study 3 blocks from me, 2 times a week but that is the only get out times each week and it's really not enough. I have tried relating all this to my pastor last week but I do not think he gets it. He did say he wanted to try and help on the housing meaning a place with a yard but he meant people renting their property as Section 8, but problem is I would need a voucher do not have one the list is closed has been 18 months and likely to not open for 2 more years and then the list is over 1,000 people long. I tried explaining this to the pastor and I don't think it sunk in. Now after all I explained above why did I say fear of death? On 4/16 I was at Bible Study and I said to a kind lady there who knew I was down about something I told her I am so afraid I will wind up dying in that building and it scares me. I come home and go check my mail at the boxes and see that my next door neighbor lady Robin passed away and worse yet age 52, and I am 55. She had lived in here 9 years and I know that no one really wants to live in this building 9 years. I am still all down about this and then Prince dies at age 57. The worst time for me is I go to bed and I usually try to get 8 hours, but yet almost every day for the last 2 weeks, I will wake up after 6 hours or less and try to get back to sleep and can't, I get wrapped up in all those thoughts to almost panic attack mode and this morning it almost felt like that heart attack thing. I get that fear what if I did have a dilemma like that, I realistically no joke could be dead here in this room for up to 3 days before anyone might think better check on him. I do not want to die yet, not suicidal. What baffles me is all that stuff at the top of the letter I managed pretty well to buck up, soldier on. I did have meds, and used them the worst times were living with crackheads and caring for mom. But I really have not had panic/anxiety attacks in years despite many troubles. Before anyone says you need your meds changed, boy that would be a whole procedure the place I go for the psychiatrist and meds is 20 miles away, that doctor is usually booked up like 2 months or more out, I can usually get a psych appt within a week. What I truly want other than, to not live alone anymore and a place with a yard is have happiness in my life, nothing to stress me like I have every year 1991-2016, you know be a sort of senior age 55 and live the rest of my years happy and not so depressed and worry about dying profoundly depressed. Yes, sorry people this is the real me, extremely long winded I had to release all this because I only really get to do this once a month at the psychiatrist and that is 55 minutes and next appointment is May 6th.