I guess for me the shame finally started dissipating when I could honestly put the blame and responsibility on the truly guilty parties, and being able to voice that and feel that was affirming. It took years (decades really) to be able to undo the negative messages of shame that I had internalized though. Until I could change my internal messages (not just superficially, but truly change them) from self-derogatory, self-blaming, self-condemning to messages that are proactive and validating and affirming, the shame still had that hold on me.

I was fortunate to have therapists who knew how to take me through that walk and process. It was a slow transformation (lots of three steps forward, two steps back kind of progress), but eventually I was able to get beyond the shame.