And boy it's a mess. I fell for my (distant) cousin (who I'll call C) and it soon became horrifically toxic and painful. It's over and I see him for what he really is now yet I'm struggling to fully let it all go.

His mum and my mum, who died when I was as a teen, are 2nd cousins but were more like 1st cousins growing up. I first remember meeting C when I was a (painfully shy) older child. I was in awe of him (he's good looking, 7 yrs old older, oozes confidence). Realise now I put him on a pedestal. Aged 10, when my mum got cancer his mum was set to adopt me. So C was nearly my adopted brother. I went abroad on holiday with C when I was in my early 20s, I had by then met my future fiancé, yet C and I got out of control drunk and had sex (his move but I didn't resist). We never spoke about it. I felt mortified for cheating and over the family connection, immediately confessed to my bf and we split for a year then got back together. I cut contact with C. After 5 yrs passed, my bf felt sorry for as I have no immediate family and said we should go to family events and he would be OK around C.

It was very gradual as I myself was cautious and wanted the right boundaries with C. He's a great laugh, charismatic, charming, successful and is now a boss in charge of 300 people. I knew he was a 'player' and just wanted him to see me as family. He'd had two kids to two women and had nothing to do with them. He's lived with lots of women and moved on quickly. I felt cautious as I suppose I knew I could fall, though I never admitted that to myself then. Contact was in group family settings for years, but then my bf and I and C and his latest girlfriend (one he finally seemed serious about now he was in his 40s) soon became good friends and we all socialised every few weeks, staying over at each other's houses. I became friends with his gf, baby sat her kids and my bf got on great with C. For me it was really nice having a family member who made the effort, would turn up for bbqs, give a birthday present etc as I have noone else who is family who I saw that regularly.

But after a couple of years, C started coming on to me, subtlety at first. I said no repeatedly and told him I needed him as family. He kept saying sorry, understood. It didn't help our nights out were so alcohol fuelled. One night, very drunk, I went to bed before the others and woke up, half unconscious, to him having sex with me. I was dazed at first and kissed him back then realised it was him and I could hear our partners chatting downstairs. I went mad and had to kick him off. Afte he promised it would never happen again. I tried to cut contact again but really missed him.

By then I'd been with my bf for 18 years, we'd had our ups and downs. I can only now admit that although he's the sweetest soul ever, we were mismatched and I was unfulfilled, but I didn't have the courage to be on my own with no family. So I was trying to make it work, we bought a new house, booked our wedding and planned to adopt. When we moved house I'd stayed away from C for 4 months. I then invited him and his gf to our house warming. I craved the happy, healthy life we had planned with family around us and wanted him at my wedding as I only had six people from my family to invite (bf had even earlier asked him to be best man). There was 6 months to go before the wedding, and then on one of the boozy nights we had as couples, C and I kissed, in my house with our partners downstairs. I didn't know what came over me, it was mutual and I guess I was spellbound and finally succumbed. It didn't help that my bf had for years become disinterested in me sexually and we'd become like brother and sister.

This happened a few more times over the following months, late at night after our partners had gone to bed. The chemistry was intense, he's so dominant, I was holding back from full on sex so he was chasing me and we both got addicted to the riskiness of it. I felt torn, it was the most exciting thing but felt like pond scum the next day. I felt so drawn to him, and I'd catch him staring at me at parties and I felt like he was just as smitten. He kept saying there's always been something between us and he was unhappy with his gf. The sexual attention made me feel special after years of rejected by my bf. 12 weeks before the wedding, I met up separately with C in a bar. I was cautious (didn't even kiss him) and he was full on, said life's too short to not have an affair. Told him I couldn't be so deceptive and hurt people and then he said what if we do things properly, tell family, live together and said that our babies would be beautiful (love bombing as I now know it).

I spent weeks thinking/stressing over it, with the wedding looming closer and I was barely finalising plans like most excited brides. My bf got made redundant and C offered him a job, he'd be his boss. I felt sick over this but didn't know how to react. After a few weeks I made up my mind, told C I loved him and he said he'd fallen for me too. We had sex a few times (once drunkenly and spontaneously when our partners were in the same house - I'm ashamed to admit - then twice alone, cuddling up, like we'd not been able to before). I felt bad but looking into his eyes I told myself I couldn't help it, I'd always been in love with C. He told me he'd love to adopt some unwanted kids and I melted. Then, in the very same week, his gf told me they'd decided to set a date for their wedding the next year. I went nuts at him, but he sweet talked me and told me he wasn't going to marry her, just waiting for the right time etc. Told him I couldn't live a lie and was calling off my wedding because I knew I had to now either way.

So after a fortnight is this I told my partner the whole truth. It was painful, for both of us, he moved out (didn't take the job, thankfully found another). I felt guilty as hell that I'd done that to such a good person. He forgave me quickly and we're been best friends still, like brother and sister. Told C and he said he was ending it with his gf. She messaged me to say he's suddenly got cold feet about the wedding, they were still together but I gave him time. Then ensued months of emotional torture with C. Now I was available, he suddenly wasn't as interested. Took days to reply to my texts or often ignored them all together. If I got upset he treated me like I was a crazy. He was like Jekyll and Hyde. He even invited me round to his house a few times to spend time with him and his gf! (Triangulation tactic). I refused and said I didn't want to play games.

He'd still pop round, wanting sex, saying he was unhappy and would make a decision soon (though leaving her was suddenly no longer as definite!). I refused him sex until if/when he left her, and pressed him about his feelings for me. He was never straight, I'd ask how could he change so quickly from just weeks ago. He said I'd never trust him, I said I'll try. Said he means what he says at the time but gets carried away. Said he's a sex addict (I'd say love addict) who gets easily bored and needs newness and is better off alone. If I tried to say ok so this has been a cheap thrill for you, I just needed to know and I'll move on. Then he'd reel me back in, with vague promises.

I wanted to believe he did love me, and this was just a protective wall I had to break down. I tried to talk him through the decision to stay with his gf or not. She is lovely and I said I wasn't sure if he had doubts because of a genuine reason or if it was because he hasn't learnt how to deal with real intimacy beyond the honeymoon period because he always bails before then. He said if he was going to settle down with anyone it would be her but he can't now because of what he's done with me. His reasons for being unhappy were lame (says she lacks ambition even though she just got a decent promotion, says HE got her there coz he helped her with the application form?!). Made out she's landed him with debts (when I know he's in debt too despite his mega bucks salary!). Was shocked at his arrogance. He'd brag about how successful he was and how he could switch off his emotions like it was a strength. Talked about his plans to live alone, move to London, get promoted further at work and basically rule the world. Asked him if he had talked to any friends about this, said why would I, their opinions are worthless and I know myself (superiority complex huh).

I backed away from him for a few weeks, then he love bombed me again, begging me to see him, said he's missing me. I gave in and he'd show me a vulnerable side, said he behaves like this because he's scared of getting hurt. We talked about his dad who was a charming womaniser and compulsive liar, who made promises to see him but would let him down (I had the same with my father) and had at least 9 different kids to as many women (he even had a long term affair with his sister in law and had two kids with her). As a v young kid C had seen his dad cheating with another woman and got upset. As an adult they tried to reconnect but he didn't show up at his graduation. He clearly dislikes his father but I see traits of him that he's always trying to escape from/hide from people and himself. He raged a lot about his mother for letting him down in non specific ways but I couldn't understand why, I see her as loving and decent. His mum told me as a kid he blamed her for his dad leaving. I said you don't want to be like your dad and I don't want that life either. I still wasn't allowing him sex.

He said I was the family member he sees the most of, he said he'd cut everyone else off, except me and his mum. He said he's always the fun drunk invited to parties but asked why I thought he didn't have any real close friends. I softened, I was shocked he wasn't this confident big guy who strutted around like a peacock, but someone confused and insecure. Known him most my life but had never seen all this. I thought he was just a slightly selfish jack the lad. I was confused but I felt he was reaching out for my help. I told him I was seeing the not so pretty side of him he showed no other girlfriend but I said really loved him despite all this. I suppose I wanted to fix him. I told myself he must love me and now wants to live more authentically, and I said I wanted us to be together but for him to work on his issues and become a more honest, transparent person. Jeez, I even said I would try to work with his sexual need for 'newness' and we talked about threesomes and sex clubs.

But I had an issue with him not seeing his own kids. I asked him why he doesn't see his own but plays stepdad to his gf's two kids. He said because he can be ready to up leave and get on with his life if something doesn't work out. He eventually admitted he just doesn't feel paternal, when I asked him, he said he wouldn't give his own (now grown up) children a kidney if they turned up on his door now needing one, there's no bond. I was horrified. I challenged him on why he'd never told his gf who he could marry about his own children, he says its none of her business. Said past girlfriends nagged him to make contact. Around this time his mum told me that a past girlfriend had figured out a picture in her house was his child...he told the gf his mum was mentally ill and imagining she has a grandchild! I let this slip in a row, he was fuming with me. Said what made me think he was going to leave his gf for me, where did I get that from?! He'd reluctantly acknowledge his behaviour wasn't perfect but said my reaction is way out of proportion. Said no bloke would want me I was mental. I felt like I was going mad. I was crying. I told him straight he's a narcissistic/sociopath, he's cruel to me because I'm holding up a mirror to him and he doesn't like what he sees. Said he's always going to be unhappy and empty unless he changes. None of it got though.

This was January, the last time I saw him. Then came the silent treatment and eventual discard. We went round in circles for 2-3 months, me texting and trying to repair our friendship, occasional texts back, I'd get mad at his rudeness, I wanted an apology/recognition of the hurt to be able to move on, he refused, I threatened to tell his girlfriend...it got nasty and I was distraught. I apologise, and was begging for answers for closure.

I let some time go by, then last week I text him happy birthday. I suggested time would heal and we could get our friendship back one day. I laid my soul bare - told him it pains me to lose another family member after I'd lost everyone. I said I just need to know what you really want as you never tell me, no contact or friendship, let me know either way so I can move forward/have closure. No reply. So I deleted his numbers and cried and cried.

I feel such a fool. I'm a grown woman, 35, and he's left me feeling broken, constantly questioning if he loved me. Did he hurt me deliberately or accidentally because he's so messed up? Is he capable of love? I try telling myself I have to provide my own closure. He's a narcissist, for reasons I could analyse till the cows come home, he doesn't love anyone, feels no empathy and is motivated by a fix of admiration to prop up his belief that he's superior to everyone, to hide from everyone including himself, the painful reality that he has a delicate, fragile sense of self worth. He constantly needs to fill a void, so is a love addict. He only feels his version of love if they're useful in providing narcissistic supply, he isn't capable of unconditional love. His brain is just not wired like most of us. If you discover the real him or challenge him, you're of no use to him as he needs to be seen to be perfect.

And I feel so ashamed, of what I did to my fiancé (twice - 15 years apart with the same man and for nothing, I was a cheap thrill to him) and how I let myself down and became such a needy mess. It really bothers me that I allowed myself to be sucked into such an unhealthy, soul destroying cycle. I'm scared of being hurt like that again and don't trust myself in relationships. I'm trapped felling like he's the only man on the planet. Why do I feel unconditional love for him? He has just always been my weakness.

I read about narcissism and think God, am I co-dependent? (I outwardly very independent, but I was brought up by a very overbearing, neurotically needy grandmother who guilt tripped me into meeting her excessive needs and ignoring my own). I had a largely absent father I no longer speak to and a lot of my immediate family died when I was young. Am I so terrified of abandonment? Do I feel being treated badly is all I deserve? Do I focus on fixing people and lose sense of my own needs?

I know reinventing myself and rebuilding my self esteem is the way forward. But I'm stuck on him. Going round in circles - I flip between deciding I need to move on completely (healthiest option I know), fixating on trying to repair a friendship/family connection (prob impossible, I became besotted and he may never speak to me now I've 'exposed' him) and holding out for him to wake up and realise he needs to change and say he loves me too (I know, pigs might fly).

Sorry this is so long, explaining a narcissist isn't easy! Thank you if you read to the bottom, advice much appreciated. It took a while to get there, but my head knows exactly what he is. I just need my heart to catch up. How do you make that happen?!