Thread: I never thought
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Old Apr 25, 2016, 09:01 PM
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Member Since: Oct 2013
Location: KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 View Post
I'm alone tonight. Drinking by myself. Not unhappy; I've been atable for about two months and I'm loving it. But as the one year anniversary of my husband's death looms, I can't help but think this wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

I was never supposed to be a single mom. I was supposed to be married for decades. I knew my husband would die first as women in my family live well into their nineties, but he wasn't supposed to die at 28. I am so scared of raising my son alone. I know I'm a good mom but I wish I were more traditional. I know I spoil him and it's more because it's too much effort to do somethings like make him eat adult food and stuff like that. I don't give in to his every whim; if he pitches a fit he's sure as hell not getting what he wants. I make him clean up after himself and I make him do basic hygiene like brush his teeth and wash his hair and body in the bath. But it's been weighing heavy on my mind lately - how am I going to teach him all the things boys need to know? He has male figures in his life. He's got two great uncles. I only hope they become close enough that he can go to them when he's older about girl issues and sex stuff. but nothing compares to a dad. Which he won't have.

Yeah yeah I could always meet someone new. But how? I was with my husband since I was nineteen years old. I met him through a friend. He actually came with her to visit me while I was inpatient, coming off a suicide attempt. So he knew I was ****ed up from the moment he met me. How could anyone else ever accept what I go through?

He wasn't supposed to die. He j.ust wasn't. We were supposed to be together forever. I know why he turned to drugs. I know what he was going through. That makes it easier, on one level. I was blindsided because I didn't know he was using again, but at least I know WHY.

I think I'm in the anger stage of grief right now because I'm just outraged by the unfairness of it all. My poor son. He never got to see what a great guy his dad was. I mean, there were hundreds of people at his viewing. I had so many people come up to me and say my husband was their best friend.

He was my best friend. I loved him so much.

im not UNHAPPY with my life. I don't spend too much time dwelling on how I wish it was different because I know there's nothing I can do to change it. I can only continue on doing what I'm doing because God dammit, I'm doing a great ****ing job. With what I've been through? I'm doing FANTASTIC. I could be like my mom and be wasting away in my room, ignoring my child, buying everything in sight to fill the emptiness inside. But I'm not. I'm working hard to make my son's life the best it can be given the circumstances. I hope he will appreciate it when he's older.

I'm just rambling because I'm lonely. I have no one to talk to. But do you ever look at your life and think it just wasn't supposed to be this way?

On the plus side: on the anniversary of my husband's death I am getting a new tattoo. This tattoo will is an important decision for me. I have decided to cover up the scars on my arm with a memorial tattoo for my husband. This is a big decision because my arm is my favorite place to self harm and obviously if I have a beautiful tattoo there I will no longer be able to self harm (there). I am committing to living a self harm free life. It's a step I've never taken. I am ready to move on. My husband would be proud.

Another fun thing: in four weeks I am getting a new kitten! I'm going to train him to sleep in bed with me so I won't be so lonely. He's adorable. White with gray ears and tail. He's only three weeks old at this point so that's why I have to wait but I am so excited.

I really do love my life. Even if it wasn't supposed to be this way.
You are an amazingly beautiful woman. Your strength is honorable. Thank you so much for the example you are to all of us struggling. I am so glad to know you!
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Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Tori Amos ~ Crucify

Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder