((((Marguritte))))

I just wanted to say I understand and I know what you are saying and validate how you feel. Seems no one truly understands what we go through, how hard it really is, or what being this way really does to any of us. Not even family or often times not even the people close to us too. I get it. It is hard to explain something we ourselves often times do not even understand or get. Or even at times know how deep or how layered it may be.

I too have been called a liar, not trusted, been told I am selfish, too hard to understand or help, been made fun of, mocked, and told to just give it to God and move on. I've been told I was filled with evil, went through exorcisms to be told if the parts came back I allowed evil back into my life. Being DID is not easy, and especially when you don't know everything the other parts of you hold or do, the trouble or issues they cause, or the time loss and how to explain that to anyone. Trying to be responsible for what you don't even know is really difficult, always apologizing but not knowing what you are apologizing for just knowing somehow you somewhere did something wrong again.

Being there to help others, giving, and yes, even saving others or getting them to safety I get, and often times the ones you were saving were too young to even remember or know so they too don't see or remember it and often deny and make you out to be wrong or a liar. And because it is a secrets, and don't tell is drilled in, we have to be made to be wrong or liar because it cannot be known to anyone.

I do know the feeling of feeling unloved and unwanted. I am not even sure I understand how to really feel loved or wanted (or what it really is) when all I ever was was just the opposite. And when it seems you are always in trouble, doubted, blamed, or misunderstood it is hard to hold onto to any love or wantedness that seems to say it is there. Somehow it doesn't seem to go together or make any sense. At least that is how it feels. If you never felt loved or that you were wanted, how can you know it is true now? When it could walk away any time it wanted to, what makes it something to believe is real and won't?

I don't mean to answer you in a negative way, I just want you to know that I understand and I hear you. I wish I had answers to give you and maybe one day there will be answers. I guess right now I am feeling down and can really connect to what you said and just wanted you to know you are not alone. That I do get what you posted and I am sorry you feel this way and are going through this. I do hope you will keep posting and reaching out. I know there are many here that have found love and feel wanted, they may be able to give you insight to what helped them.

I am glad you posted and are here. And I do send you many gerntle hugs and loving thoughts, if okay.

dps