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Originally Posted by Icare dixit
You've expressed yourself very well (much better than I generally do).
I have luckily just one parent (and one sibling) who is very exacting about what I should've done and the way I could've (that I couldn't even is of course nonsense).
You sound wise. Trust your own wisdom.
I am schizomanic, so I am a bit more accepting than those with just BP, but not accepted very much. That's how things go. It isn't a coincidence obviously: we are wise (arguably many with schizomania or schizophrenia just more, but we are delusional, chronically ill).
Soothing idea for most in society: "schizo" means useless, so ignore.
But not for us: we know, feel, it's not true.
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i
I will be the first to admit I am way too hard on myself. But once you've been told enough times that you 'didn't live up to expectations' (and by that I mean I'm a pink haired, tattooed artist and not a suit wearing conservative lawyer) and that you 'could and should have followed a straighter path because you didn't live up to your potential' you start to believe it.
My life since I was a teenager has been one huge intense roller coaster. Now I know why I have such violent mood swings, deep depressions and manic episodes, but for the longest time I just felt (for lack of a better word) crazy. I suffered in silence for many years with only my (now ex) husband knowing how 'crazy' I was. I kept from my family as much as I could, showing up on holidays to appease them but otherwise tried to keep them at arms length to avoid further damage to my ego.
Several years ago I started thinking I might be bipolar but I avoided psychologists like the plague. I feared a diagnosis would make me even more of an outcast in my family. I had a great aunt who was bipolar, she was the 'eccentric aunt' who was always treated like a she was completely insane (though I never saw her that way) and generally kept away from events so as not to embarrass the family. The last 6 years of her life the family decided to put her in a mental facility and I never understood why. I didn't want to end up like her. But after my recent suicide attempt I knew there wasn't another choice but to seek treatment.