Sometimes I am in the background semi aware of what another is doing or saying but not my thoughts or words. DP aspect of DID... I suppose. At these times I am so unattached to the event that I often forget it as if observing a passing conversation between strangers. Randomly, I guess when it is nessecary to appear whole, I can suddenly ramble out the whole situation as if I actually was an active participant.i used to have a hard time reconciling that something was off. I would feel compelled to completely own it and stubbornly so, now when these thoughts memories flash blacks whatever occur, I am painfully yet gratefully aware that I am not at all emotionally tied to them. Other times I literally have no recollection of certain spans of time and am dumbfounded when confronted with outsiders very real interactions w/ a completely separate part that may or may not present as our legal name. As far as I know I am the only part that completely identifies myself by our legal name and I am annoyed that other parts call me by a different name when referring to me because as much as some of the more aware may understand that they have to accept the outside world calling them by our legal name, they do not identify with it other than "the body's ssocietal label". Then there are others, most whom rarely leave the inside whom really completely unaware of this form, world, or any existence except their own separate life story. When they do emerge they refuse to believe it or have a very hard time coming to terms with their place/ function. Some are really internal protectors who hold no "name identity" but very formed personal in function. The few records of them manifesting outward are usually in the highest most base instinct form. The only names they obtainable ones they quickly blurt out in defense mode when an outsider confronts them on who they are. Most of the oldest parts, the little ones, identify as whatever persons they best remember identifying with when they where outward parts, if they do come out these days, it is either just to play when they know they can go unnoticed by outsiders or some extreme long forgotten by our present forms triggers them by uncontrolled unconcious force to act outwardly. Recently, I have spent a lot of time on the inside with one of the oldest littlest parts. I greatly enjoyed my time with her and she is very wise and observerant of the intrnal battles power struggles and her personal history of the internal landscape. I learned a lot. The only thing I never learned was her name. She avoided the question for the majority of our time together, and eventually just made clear that she didn't want or care for a name. She apparently had beencalled and rrevered to by so many names over the yrs that she simply no longer had the need for a labeled identity. In past when outward she simply just accepted and responded to whatever she was called, now when she needs to be heard she filters her feelings through me. I am aware but I become her. I become overwhelmed with her fears and can only react not able to filter her broken cryptic childish speach to remain the appearance of a coherent "adult". Oddly tho as troubling as these experiences are, I understand and identify more fully with her than any other parts I have met. I think maybe at my core I have always been her but adapted to pretending to be growing up... tho I've never felt grown up I am a part who is forced to outwardly act grown but never have felt older than a scared 7 yr old.... she last remembers being 5 yrs old.