Quote:
Originally Posted by Anxiousvalkyrie
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I will be the first to admit I am way too hard on myself. But once you've been told enough times that you 'didn't live up to expectations' (and by that I mean I'm a pink haired, tattooed artist and not a suit wearing conservative lawyer) and that you 'could and should have followed a straighter path because you didn't live up to your potential' you start to believe it.
My life since I was a teenager has been one huge intense roller coaster. Now I know why I have such violent mood swings, deep depressions and manic episodes, but for the longest time I just felt (for lack of a better word) crazy. I suffered in silence for many years with only my (now ex) husband knowing how 'crazy' I was. I kept from my family as much as I could, showing up on holidays to appease them but otherwise tried to keep them at arms length to avoid further damage to my ego.
Several years ago I started thinking I might be bipolar but I avoided psychologists like the plague. I feared a diagnosis would make me even more of an outcast in my family. I had a great aunt who was bipolar, she was the 'eccentric aunt' who was always treated like a she was completely insane (though I never saw her that way) and generally kept away from events so as not to embarrass the family. The last 6 years of her life the family decided to put her in a mental facility and I never understood why. I didn't want to end up like her. But after my recent suicide attempt I knew there wasn't another choice but to seek treatment.
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Yes, expectations lead to conflict. Within ourselves and with others.
In my family, at a young age, I was championed as a poster child for success. Anything others didn't achieve, I could and would easily. Expectations were high. I believed in myself.
I think that's quite typical for the likes of us. The conflict with reality might be the bravura precipitando that started it all. It's, in my case, typically hebephrenic.
Too high expectations is something that distinguishes us from those with SZ, I believe. If we lower expectations we become more SZ-like.
Awful what happened to your aunt. Really awful. What misplaced pride!
As a general rule, the higher the expectations, the less the acceptance.
BP is somewhat a high-SES (socioeconomic status) thing. SZ a low-SES one.
The fall of grace is very destructive.