Shame has been / is one of the hardest things for me to talk about in therapy. I don't talk about it directly in therapy -- my T caught on to it fairly early on though.

But, in some weird way, I have a lot of shame even in talking about shame because it makes me feel so 'not normal' -- so, just talking about how I feel about myself.

I tend to want to not allow my therapist access to those innermost shameful thoughts -- there's a deep sense of rage and despair at the thought of allowing her in. I don't know how to get past that -- if I talk about it with her, it feels like allowing her in and if I don't, well I'm stuck.

The closest I've come to dealing with it on my own is observing my thoughts and emotions and attempting to extend compassion to myself. That helps me calm down and remain on an even keel.

But, just observing constantly makes me feel a bit like a freak at times -- as in, if I were to hang out with other people and still just keep observing myself rather than feeling things. T pointed out that observing myself is a way of distancing and not engaging (it sounds really simple but it hadn't occurred to me).

Right now though, really feeling all that shame-filled stuff -- not just observing -- is frightening and overwhelming. So, observing is the closest I can get to it.

T does bring up the relationship etc at times but that's only when I talk about other relationship related patterns and she pops in with "How does that play out in therapy?". So, that's not the primary emphasis.

If she were to focus a lot more on the relationship, just out of sheer logistics, I'll run out of material to talk about in a couple of sessions max -- it sort of feels mind numbing somehow to me...but more power to those who can do so.