when right at thisexact moment i am doing alright - not hallucinating, crying, starving, banging against the wall, etc - i don't feel like i should have this peace of mind, even if it was to last for 10 minutes. I read about someone struggling harder, esp with ED, I feel unfair that iam having it easier and better than them. I feel like I should suffer more. Like I would rather be in hell burning with someone than in heaven enjoying peace

I feel destructive. I want to stop my med. like I have to struggle more to feel that it's fair for me and them. A part of me doesnt want to be better.It's killing me my mind wants the worst for me. I don't know what iwant anymore. Sometimes it's easier to be in the midst of struggle than to be the on-lookers of someone's tragedy.