Now, this is weird. I have been stable for a long time now, but outside influences are making me question my sanity. So, in an attempt to straighten up, I quit drinking a month ago or so (just lost my taste for it and I started to hate that "buzzed" feeling), I quit smoking cigarettes a week ago today, yesterday was my birthday and no one remembered, and I'm now officially middle aged, so I spent the day pondering... 40-some years ago I was a brand new baby. No mess, no self-destructive behaviour, no guilt.

Now I'm trying to quit a 25 year smoking habit (everyone in my family dies of cancer, but that didn't stop me). I tried to start a cleanse yesterday which started with a fast (on my birthday?), I'm not craving cigarettes but I know that's having an effect on me (physical addiction). Oh, and I got to spend the whole day yesterday thinking about today's appointment with a specialist. I'm not scared, I'm just numb. But I took the day off work. The sum total of all this... my first depression in a long time. I'm prone to mania, but rarely get depressed.

During a recent check up they found something. Well, then they said they thought they found something, but they think they were wrong, but now they have me coming back for all these follow ups.

All this after moving 4 times in 1 year and watching my whole life turn upside down after I got involved with a sociopath. It's been overlapping weird **** ever since then.

I'm not delusional when I tell you this... My friend came over as a favor and did a Buddhist cleansing of my new apartment (first time I've lived alone after one hell of a year) and it hasn't felt the same since. I kept worrying she would drive out the good spirits. She believes in stuff like that and she's not delusional or bipolar. Anyway, the apartment felt so good, I kept thinking it had good spirits. That was my first thought. Now, since the cleansing, it just feels empty.

Then that got me thinking. Just because I'm diagnosed bipolar, if I try to talk about God or spirits or religious (I have sort of my own mix of Catholicism and Agnosticism) or anything sexual or anything "spontaneous," I get looks from my therapist and she declares me manic, delusional, in a dangerous place.

But my psychiatrist sits and listens and I say look, other people have sex and go shopping and talk about God and they aren't manic or bipolar or delusional! He agrees. She doesn't. That's exactly what someone with Bipolar Disorder needs, two professionals with two different takes on my mental health.

I don't feel manic or mixed, but I think this is the kind of stuff that triggers the cycle, depression then mania. I've been so stable for a long time now, months, longest ever! It's all just getting to me. I'm really depressed. I need to clean my new apartment, but I'm just going to sit here and wait for my doctor's appointment. Just depressing. What have I become?