I'm very confused. My partner and I are having difficulties and have been on and off for a while. There is a lot in there but I will try to get to the really confusing part. I have issues when it comes to doing things. I have massive amounts of fear about silly things and I haven't proposed after many years and 1 child of of (what I believe to be) fear of getting it wrong in terms of how I do it....yes, I have issues.

She is understandably angry and feels that I do everything 80% and let her down all the time as well as "everybody else". That she has to be my mother and take charge of everything while all I do is work, shopping, bring the kids to and from school, clean, cook, put kids to bed (though some of the mornings and nights we have started to share) and then whatever else needs doing. But don't do the bigger things like dealing with where we will live, the schools, big future plans, giving my family security, proposing...

Here is the thing, I'm aware of all my issues:
codependence
defensiveness (which she has said has improved dramatically)
excessive procrastination
fear of expressing myself for fear of rejection
terrible communication and unable to set boundaries
etc

these are things that I have been working on for a long time and I know I have much more to do.

She feels that all the things I do are due to passive aggressiveness. She has read to me all the "how do you know" type lists of what a passive aggressive person does and why all the issues in our lives are caused by it. This was the same when it was me being codependent, defensive, etc. and I have 100% taken on the reason raised as it always fits...she tells me I'm horrible, selfish and don't care about her really because of the REAL reason I'm "forgetting" or not doing romantic thing or the "important" things and that if only I didn't do the things I do she would do more in the relationship, wouldn't yell and insult me (which when I say I say that some of the things she says are particularly hurtful she says that I'm just making her into the bad person). I don't want to be making excuses and just looking for a way out of "manning up" but I also found by chance a load of the same lists of things that mean someone as X and every point matches what she does, the lists say she is Emotionally Abusive. And even her saying that the things I do are the reason she is like that and she wouldn't be if I didn't do it is actually one of the points! and what is highlighted as the results for the "abused" person is very similar to the things I am doing which she keeps pointing at.... I'M VERY CONFUSED!! So am I causing her to react this way or am I in fact on the receiving end of something here?!?!?!?!?

I want to deal with my issues but no matter what I do everything seems to fall apart. I will be honest, I was unfaithful at one point the very early days for all the wrong reasons and it took a long time to get to where we are though it is still something that is in the background of things. I also went onto sites after that for sex, not actually partaking but did contact people. I make no excuse for these things and do utterly regret them and hate hurting her and myself if I'm being honest. I just want to make things work between us as we have 2 kids now and I don't want to lose my family if it is something I can change in how I do things.