I don't even know where to start..maybe just being honest would help. I am scared. I am angry that I have not been diagnosed with bipolar depression and have just been told I have depression and anxiety. I feel time has been wasted. I was told for the first time by my general practitioner that he believed my depression was not just depression and asked if I had ever been tested for bipolar disorder. I balked at him as my mother, sister, husband are all bipolar. But mine is different. So I did some research as my antidepressants seemed to not be working and any other kind I tried made my symptoms way worse. I have every single symptom of bipolar II. It has gotten to the point where I am just surviving day to day doing the bare minimum to keep up a front of being a good mom and wife, until I can slide back into bed and sleep until I have to get up. I have no appetite at all. My moods swings are to the point of scaring myself. I can go weeks without showering and not care at all. Only showering and getting dressed when I absolutely have to to keep up the front. Which is rare as I have no desire to go anywhere at all save the school ride taking my kids to school and picking them up. But even then there is no sense in putting on anything but the yoga pants and hoodie I live in. I hate everything about myself. I hate the world. The only thing that keeps me going is my kids. I know without a doubt that if I did not have them I would have killed myself a long time ago. I lost my sister in law to suicide 2 years ago and I am daily reminded that I can't do what she did because of the pain it would leave on my family as she did. But I still want to. I still am jealous of her that she got out of this world and I am still here hanging on by a thread. I am never happy. I don't think it is possible to be happy. I feel like the world is cruel and there is nothing to be happy about. I just want to be left alone but can't bear the thought of hurting my kids the way I see my nephew and nieces hurt everyday. I feel like I am doomed to this misery and am so scared that I won't ever be able to feel any ounce of enjoying life again. And to be honest I don't care. But then I guess I do if I HAVE to stay alive. But living for everyone else and battling these feelings day in and day out, I just want at least to feel content. I can live without happiness but I wish I had a desire to live at all. I graduated nursing school and should be an RN 6 years ago next week and yet my world started to spin out of control in my last semester and all my longings to be a nurse are gone. I think everyone would be better off without me they just don't realize it. I am supposed to meet with a psychiatrist soon and I am terrified of being hospitalized and even more afraid that no meds will work as I have been through so many antidepressants that have only made things worse except for zoloft which I have been on for 10 years since my first baby was born. But in the last 6 years I feel like the hole I am in keeps getting deeper and deeper. I guess if anyone has even taken the time to read this, if you have any advice or any type of support, I could use it. It has taken a lot of effort that I normally wound not use to get into this forum and to type this out. But I feel like if something doesn't give, I will only get worse and the outcome or the end of me won't be pretty. And I don't want to hurt my family. I don't care about me. I am ok with pain. But I can't do what I want to do so I guess it is time to try to get some help. Thank you if you are still reading this.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk