I wrote earlier about a man I've known for over a decade who I'd recently sparked kind of an online...thing with, then subsequently pushed away with some insecurity and mismanagement of a lot of stress going on in my life. I'd also been talking, in a few threads, about how I wrote and sent a concise letter, taking responsibility for my actions, stating somewhat how I felt about him (not gushing, just that I had been insecure about being totally transparent before, and now I was being more so), apologizing for my actions, and saying, "I don't want to not know you." The letter was sent last Wednesday (he lives 8 hours away from me), and Monday morning, I got a text with a photo of his hand holding the letter, and another which read, "Reading and considering. I would like us to keep knowing each other." I told him to take his time, I would be here. He texted again a few hours later and said, "Forgiven, btw."

We shared a few subsequent texts of no consequence, and I asked him later how his evening was going. And he is responsive, but there seems to be...something. My problem is that I don't know what exactly he wants from me at this time. I plainly asked, stating I didn't need a big discussion, that it was just a request for information. And he said he didn't want anything from me right now other than a little communication, if I wished. I said sure. I then said that I'd just assumed I was still leaving him in peace to consider, as he'd said earlier. His simple reply was, "I missed talking with you."

I'm happy to be forgiven, and I think that's huge given that I pushed pretty hard and was pretty darned rotten (which is even worse considering his ex-wife's emotional abuse was instrumental in a breakdown he had 10 years ago...I wasn't abusive, but I was kinda mean). And I'm not his girlfriend; he truly owes me nothing. However, we've known each other for over a decade and been in each other's orbit now for about four years. The things we talked about before we'd had our rift were pretty intense, and now it's like...I don't know. I am okay with whatever he wants; I'm fine letting him take the lead on this. I think I know why he is responding/reacting the way he's reacting. My insecure self jumps to all kinds of conclusions: He's having second thoughts, or he's talking to someone else who has completely rocked his world. As I said, I'm not his girlfriend so it's possible, but it's been 17 days since he was telling me I was the best thing since sliced bread and this guy is pretty legit so...it's not probable. Actually, neither of those things are that logical.

I guess I need some clearer boundaries. Or do I? Guys, I haven't been around really any healthy relationships really ever. And my family's idea of handling conflict was to a) run away from it b) manipulate the other person or c) out-yell/out-anger the other party. I'm doing the best I can, and could use other, outside perspectives.

PS I mean it when I say this man is legit. I have been able to observe and interact with him for a long time, and he's solid. My best chance at something with a decent guy is probably someone long distance...the distance at least is a buffer to keep me from effing it up til I can stop being so paranoid. At least he's no stranger to MI, having battled it himself.