Quote:
Originally Posted by ciderguy
Hey, Angelique,
It's always so great to hear from you.
I don't think that the tears have stopped yet. It's completely different from my father's death (I was the first to see him after he had been made up, but his hair wasn't right, and I knew my stepmother would notice – I used a brush and hairspray but still didn't get it to her exact specifications and she, as I knew that she would, styled it so that it looked like 'him').
I only saw one more 'IRL' dead person until today – a wino that had his head bashed in with a cinderblock. Not very attractive but not very human-like either.
I had seen him sometime last week although I don't remember why. But we talked on the phone regularly. I had pinned my hope of getting out of the apartment ocassionly, and he was more than willing to be of help.
I haven't began to process my feelings and emotions yet; still stuck at numb, but I know that they're coming, and I can only hope that that I don't go loopy. I wanted to ease my new pdoc into my worries on Thursday but I think this is going to be a trial by fire, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle this (or not). My mind keeps jumping up to the 4th floor and what I saw and felt.
Just not certain how this one will play out, I just need to keep it together. Thanks for thinking of me – you didn't know Tom, but would you keep him in your thoughts as well?
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Yes, I'll keep both you and Tom in my thoughts and prayers. I think you'll be fine once you get past the shock and horror. I didn't think I would, in the case of my father. But I did. It was one of the most disturbing events in my life. No one else at the funeral had seen my father, I was the only one besides the employees of the funeral home.
My father didn't look horribly gruesome. His body had been at the funeral home a few days I guess. But he both looked like himself, and looked nothing like himself at the same time.
And I guess now I can accept the fact that I was his favorite kid because my mother treats me as a stranger she doesnt know and it's doubtful she loves me at all anymore. I always knew I wasn't her favorite. She recently asked me to please not burden my sister. I was in the hospital at the time, convinced I was going to jail due to the "tricks" my neighbor has been playing on me. So at my most vulnerable times, she disappears as my mother. Always. It hurts more than anything has hurt for a very long time.