err, sorry
ive just been really weird lately

trigger trigger trigger hehe
im ok, its just that im really confused - this confusion and stuff is really frustrating me because im the type that has to know how things works, it drives me crazy till i figure things out and i tell you i absolutely can't figure myself out at the moment, im not really sure who i am :/
i mean i think i know who im supposed to be, but.. yeah
im really foggy, i guess thats one way to say it; im just struggling and i want to get better but its really hard and seems like things cant get any better :/

i've been realizing how much trauma i have actually been through, through different ways... inside my head..
hmm, i talk to myself alot, alot i dunno what i would do without it, but im weird... ill prefer to talk to myself than other people :/

im just confused, i guess because alot of stuff is trying to surface or im realizing alot of things and its just coming kind of fast...

i dont know what to say, i like talking to you all but i embarrass myself a lot
im ashamed of these things very much

im sorry that i have been avoiding everyone, just when i get scared i hide...
and dont wanna talk... not that i dont wanna talk, its just that i cant..

i guess my next step is to go back to that mental health clinic... that psychiatrist is supposed to be retired now so i shouldn't have to see him, i dont want to see him... seeing him would freak me out - but im just scared that the new pdoc will do the same things to me - i dont wanna take a bunch of pills! i dont like pills... i dont need all those mood stabilizers and antipsychotics... im not psychotic and definitely not manic so... i just have a problem with changing my self, i dont understand it; i've been telling myself that i just adopt a persona that best fits the situation so that i can smoothly get through the appointments or interactions with other people but.. it just annoys me and im frustrated because apparently this problem causes alot of problems for me because the doctors dont see the real problems but see some superficial issues that present themselves on the surface when ever i go into a chameleon mode..? which they may be reall problems too but not the root of the problem ya know

super annoyed at the mental health treatment stuff... and im not gonna take a bunch of pills again, i swear i will flip the table over and jump out of the window or something probably crazy i dunno what i would do - i never know how im going to react unless i just retreat into my mind and then im just submissive...

sorry about the temper tantrum

edit:
actually its not just that ive only recently been weird, im just realizing it :|