I'm not having a stellar day today. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and it just seems beyond pointless. He just gives me a checklist of expectations and then tells me I'm doing fine. No, i'm not doing fine. I have been without meds for most of a month because insurance won't authorize and antidepressant. I'm still alcohol free, but my smoking is running rampant. I'm beyond irritable, the old rage is starting to resurface. I feel so empty and alone. People ask how i am, but they don't want the truth. Dr. wants me to reach out to people and do something fun. But I just can't face the fear of rejection or the possibility that I'll let them down when I start isolating again. It is hard to explain how I'm feeling. I'm fighting with the pain of the past and i don't know why it is necessary to rehash my lonely childhood to begin the healing process. All this muckraking does is make me tense and makes the desire to isolate more strong. sorry for the rant... just don't know how to deal with the pain.