I am worried bixkf that you are overcomplicating things.I think identifying as gay and coming out as gay and living as a gay person is perfectly ok even if you are married to a woman.It seems clear to you that you love your wife and not women in general and that if your marriage ended you'd be looking for men as partners.I see nothing confusing about this,it is possible to fall in love with someone not in line with your primary sexual orientation.Why must we all fit into neat little boxes.?

I think the more important questions for you and your wife are questions like,if I come out as gay, do I intend to sleep with other men,or stay sexually faithful to my wife?How does my wife feel about others knowing I am gay,can she and I cope with speculation from others about whether I am faithful or not?Unfortunately this will come up,I don't know why it does with a gay person more than a heterosexual one,but yours and your wife's emotional security are important,so the gossips need to be considered and dealt with.Other than that living your sexual identity isn't hard, it harder not to?Just make sure your kids are clear on the issues and know how to handle the questions and comments is all otherwise it needn't be difficult in my view.