Thank you. Yes I think fear of rejection has a lot to do with it. I was imaging today that if I told him I had loving feelings towards him he would be disgusted or something, even though I know he would never, ever make me feel that way. I've also suddenly become worried about him suddenly disappearing out of my life. I used to be fine with the idea of him retiring or something but it's become a worry.
All I could say is I was scared of needing him, and he reminded me about saying I hadn't felt safe needing my Mum as a child.
I think I value his objectivity so much that I feel like I will ruin it if I can no longer be objective about him, if that makes sense?