Quote:
Originally Posted by Echos Myron
I find this exceptionally hard. I have seen T for 16 months and I have found my lack of emotional attachment to him really useful, especially for disclosure etc. The simplicity of our relationship was very reassuring, especially after my distressing, emotionally complicated relationship with T1.
So imagine my discomfort over the last couple of months, as I have developed very warm feelings towards him, which have only grown in strength. (I am loath to use the 'L' word, but it keeps coming to my mind).
I tried to talk to T about this today and found it impossible. I couldn't name a feeling and when I alluded to what I was trying to talk about I started to experience bright washed out vision which is the beginning of dissociation for me, and I told T this and had to take a step back from the conversation. I can think about my feelings for him but trying to tell him causes panic.
The other weird thing is that the feelings are like a switch, so all of a sudden I feel nothing and it feels as though I was completely making those strong feelings up.
It feels like the scariest thing to talk about, even more difficult than childhood trauma etc. I don't know if it's because of a sense of shame about my feelings?
Does anyone else have such trouble with these kinds of feelings? How do you get past it and discuss them?
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That sounds incredibly painful Echos, to experience the hint of the "L" word and then to have it disappear. Its almost as if to acknowledge it would mean its real. Is pure love a feeling you have experienced before with others, how have you dealt with that? If you were able to tell them what was the difference in that experience and this experience with your t?
Maybe you have a fear of rejection or a sense that it isnt safe to tell him, are you telling him because you feel like you should or because you want to?
Sorry for all of the questions but I am curious about it.
I really heard the word shame in the last sentence and perhaps this is the reason that is preventing you from talking about it. Think about what is it that you would be most ashamed about, having feelings for a man who loves and accepts you unconditionally, a man who really tries to understand and support you. A man who asks for nothing in return (except payment of course ). No wonder we fall in love with our therapists. I think there is something wrong if we dont develop feelings and not with the client, I mean the therapists isnt doing what they should be doing.
I have felt crippling shame around my feelings for current t. I once approached the subject last year and her reaction was enough for those feelings to hide away and be shamed so much that they will never see the light of day again. T reacted from her own fears, she shamed me and never acknowledged her part in it. She blamed me projecting onto her my own hatred towards myself but it was her reaction not mine. It took a lot of courage for me to finally muster up enough courage to tell her and it was a good experience for me to have because I learned how not to react to a clients disclosure and how not to shame them. It was a very painful experience for me and I was so ashamed and felt so rejected. We managed to work past it as long as I never brought up my feelings towards her again, she never said that but I knew it wasnt safe for me to do so.
I really hope you can get to the root of this echos and I wonder if this stems from some sort of attachment pattern. I hate daddy, I love daddy!