I had a really deep conversation with my T today that helped me understand some things.

We had a phone session on.Monday which went sort of poorly. I was telling her about something nasty someone had said to me and I felt like she blew it off and acted like it wasn't important. Then yesterday I texted her after my ortho doctor appointment where I got my MRI results. Chronic full rotator cuff tears in both my shoulders. Surgery is on the horizon.again I felt like she was not really emotionally engaged with me, like she was not particularly interested.

So in session today I was trying to talk about it and felt like she didn't understand and finally got so upset I was crying. She kept saying she was not like my mom and loved me and would not do anything to purposely hurt me. But I felt like she was being like my mom because I felt abandoned and I felt like she didn't care that this person. Was hurting me.

So finally I blurted out "if you care about why don't you care that this person hurt me? Why aren't you angry at them? Why don't you care about how much pain I'm in?"

I heard her sort of catch her breath and then say "oh. Oh. Bay, I DO care. I AM angry at them . I think they are a --creative set of swear words. But MY anger isn't important here. And I don't want my emotions influencing how YOU work through it. Of course I care how much pain you are in. Sometimes its very very hard for me to witness. I WANT to rush in and comfort you and make you feel better . but I'd be a s$%&-y therapist if I did that. I show my love by holding back and giving you the space to feel YOUR feelings and do YOUR work. Its about you, not me. I'll deal with MY feelings elsewhere. THis open space IS my expression of love"

You could have heard a pin drop after that. I never understood on an emotional level exactly what she was doing. It gave me a whole new perspective on our relationship...