yeah, thats what i've read too abot the memory... so it just pisses me off when people tell me its because of that stuff, they just dont get it - but i dont really care, maybe i dont want them to get it
i've read about Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome - but yeah, i dont think thats it :/ else i wouldnt be here probably... but i dunno, i feel like if it was that then the psychologist would of recognized it on the exams they gave me.. he said other than the adhd stuff my neurocognitive stuff seemed fine - its really annoying because i have researched alot on alot of things trying to put 2n2 together ya know, but things really dont line up and then i just start drawing lines from this to that and its just stupid :/ i make myself pretty angry because i cant figure myself out
but im trying to just stop with all that madness and just let it be.. but its difficult because it is really troublesome when you start having problems with these things... i dont like saying it because it sounds ridiculous, but i dont feel like myself, not really sure who i am :/ but im many faces too, but i dont know them either- im just who i am when im them i guess, i confuse myself a lot...
being a philosophical type i ask questions i should not ask, i look at things in ways i should not look at them, i go places i should not go in my mind... ect ect... sometimes it feels like the whole thing will just collapse, but it hasnt happened so i dont really think thats possible - its just frustrating :/

like now, i feel like an idiot because sometimes i write really silly stuff and just sound so ... im really crazy i guess, i dont feel like i did earlier, i mean if its rapid cycling bipolar then the feeling when i feel ok would be different im almost certain... its not like hypomania either, but i dunno maybe im just a fool and in really deep denial;
but i have thought about it alot... and the bipolar suggestion just doesnt really make sense to me... i tried to accept it for like 2 years when they pretty much tricked me into believing it, made me believe i was manic for like ever, and that just annoyed me because i've looked into bipolar fairly extensively... but whatever :/

i wish i wouldnt write stuff like that though, because now i feel different and i feel like a jerk because i just keep pretending to be fine - but ... nah... clearly something is wrong because i dont feel ok >.< makes you wanna pull your hair out because you just start feeling completely mad... who the hell am i gonna pretend to be in 5 minutes, i just wanna get drunk now :/

i dunno, when i write im not lieing... so im sorry i seem so different alot of the times grr it really frustrates me, its one of the reasons i dont wanna be around people because they are gonna think im some fake manipulating liaing jerkoff - but what do i get out of it, i dont even wanna be around them, hmm shhhh i gotta stop ranting, i run off on tangents too much - sorry
its just annoying you know, i aggravate myself so much

if i just had an answer, i could say "aha!" and that be that, atleast understand :x
i dont like embarrassing myself and looking foolish... i dont even like reading the things i write anymore because it just makes me feel stupid, maybe when i was growing up i just was too smart and drove myself over the edge and now im dealing with repercussions, wish i could go back and change it

gonna stop writing so i dont say anything more :/ i wouldnt write this but im just annoyed, just gonna sit here shaking my head in shame

i've always wanted to lay in bed and stare at someone
just seems like it would be fun, the mental illness does really mess with the head though - just try to hold onto those memories and replay them if you can when things get too rough; though i know its not easy to turn that other stuff off when it starts


crazy guy gonna go scrape some pipes/bowls and play a game for a while - try to make myself stop feeling like this, this is really just ridiculous :/
i wonder if something triggered me, i mean i dont even know what happened you know? kind of just blinked and hey here i am
hmm... does it ever happen to you?
i hope i dont annoy anyone as much as i annoy myself with this kind of nonsense - i just dont understand how these things are possible, i wanna just be like a normal person...
i'll be fine, i guess maybe im just dreaming, but if im not then wtf :/ so stupid, i'll figure it out some how, i just cant let myself get into an obsessive routine... that really aggravates these things.. and makes me angry because that stuff just doesnt make sense!
god, im sorry :/ i'll see ya later im gonna go stop this madness
keep fighting, things are sucky sometimes, but things can be good sometimes, just listen to the good things... those bad things are stupid and want to trick us...
i gotta stop doing these things making myself look really crazy