[TW]

At my last session I had some bruises on (mostly one of) my upper arms. I have a history of self-harm but mainly cutting. The bruises were from a more calculated hitting myself than I’ve done in the past. I was wearing a t-shirt as it was hot, I always do, and my scars are always covered with bracelets, pretty much not visible. I’ve been seeing my T for almost 3 years.

When I told my T I’d been hitting myself she said straight away, without even a pause, “Are those the bruises on your arms?” And I didn’t answer, because it felt terrible, I don’t know, like an accusation or something so I just ignored it and said to try and deflect her, “So…yeah,” which is how I often end sentences/explanations. But she said, quite casually but also insistent, “Is that what those bruises are?” And I nodded, and she just responded with her casual, “Yep?”

I don’t know why this makes me feel so weird, and sort of angry. But I never caught her looking at them when I arrived, when I sat down, anything. And I thought we had a tacit agreement that she didn’t point out/obviously look at my scars. She’s never remarked on them or anything. The first time she saw me wear shorts she looked at them with obvious concern but when I made a point of standing up and tugging the hem down, she quit it.

I feel like my scars/cuts/bruises are for me. No, I won’t hide them to a ridiculous extent. I live in a hot place and if it’s hot I’ll wear shorts and t-shirts, but always lots of bracelets. If there’s fresh cuts I’ll hide them. But I hate hate hate when somebody else points them out or remarks on them.

She also asked if I want to change, which felt sort of accusatory, though I know it probably wasn’t, like she thought the fact I have new bruises means I don’t care about getting better. Or that they made her feel impatient with me, since I’ve been seeing her for years and I’m still doing this.

Why do you think my T insisted on asking me about these bruises, when I’d already admitted I’d been hitting myself? It sort of felt like she was trying to shame me, but I know she wouldn’t…I think, anyway. It felt like she was pointing them out. It also scares me that she can look at my skin without me even noticing. I suppose I just don’t know why she wanted me to know that she saw them, or wanted me to admit I had bruises.