yeah i hate that stuff too yuck, it doesnt really even do anything for me but gotta do somethin

well, for me at first i thought it was pretty simple... i figured it was just anxiety and depression.. that made sense for a long time, but now i just dunno.. i mean i do have MDD apparently and deal with alot of depression and i guess i have PTSD ...
i gotta try not to think about the past, its stupid :/ but i never payed attention because i was too busy running i guess, but i think that i cant run from it anymore if you know what i mean - i wanna believe that im psychotic, but i dont think thats it.. my mind just wont shut up sometimes and its blaming me for things that im not even trying to do and its just really getting on my nerves :/
its not like that though, psychosis... thats why its driving me so crazy because it doesnt make sense, i mean it does, but thats the part that is making me argue so much because i think its stupid and ridiculous and im just being a big baby
i just want to shut it down until i can talk to someone about it but i cant talk about it because its just stupid and im being stupid, i dunno, just cant stop acting stupid
i know im doing it so why cant i stop it it really really really disturbs me, annoyed, because i wont stop it -.- but im bottling it up inside and trying to stuff it down and im not showing it on the outside at all - i think that i created a monster
bleh
but i dunno how... im goin crazy right? when i think about it, i just wanna cuss myself out because i think its a ridiculous thing to think, but i cant stop thinking about it until i go into one of those zones where im not thinking about much of anything like this morning - you know, i know that mania can present itself as irritability right? but this isn't just random irritability... im really pissing myself off :/ maybe i am just bipolar, i dunno.. it doesnt seem to fit though :/ because this stuff is just... well bipolar is a fluctuation of poles, ya? the mood stuff.. well, i dont think they are fluctuating.. i think that im just genuinely disturbed/disturbing myself with inner conflict..
im in my head way to much, and im just tricking myself into different thoughts or making different things happen that are just confusing me and i cant really control it, stop it, i know it sounds really crazy
i just wish i would leave myself alone... im not doing anything wrong and not trying to do anything at all so why bother me

i dunno, see, im making myself look foolish :/
but i dun really wanna talk about it because i really feel stupid... cant even control my own self hehe... i think im just losing my mind, but i always thought that if you were going crazy you just went there and didnt really question it, my mind is quieting down now... but i dunno when it will come back... im trying not to think about it... its so stupid - what a dork

sorry about writing this stuff here, i dont really want to but i dont know.. i dont wanna go crazy alone i guess... and like you said it seems if i can just keep myself talking to someone else then it has less power over me, i just embarrass myself so much because i think its ridiculous that im experiencing these things.. how stupid do you have to be to be so confused you dont know whats going on in your own mind?
i think this is why i dont like to let myself have friends because i end up acting like a fool
i just dont wanna be around myself right now :/
what would you do about somethin like this? listening to music helps block it out a little

why do i write so much, i need to take my obsessive side and read about how to condense information *rollseyes

edit:
oh yeah, i know that rage :|