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elevatedsoul · Apr 28, 2016, 12:02 AM

its totally fine writing about yourself i appreciate it, to be honest im just scared to ask them anything because i just dont wanna talk to anyone really but i try to force myself to do these things because i do need help and i wanna get better...

but guess what? for some reason that post that got deleted was saved in the quick reply box just now

im not gonna read it, but im just gonna post it; but just forewarning... i dunno what i really wrote.. so if theres anything in it thats untrue i apologize - i just remember i really wanted to share it for some reason, so...

Quote:

i never wanted to go anywhere, but i just dont want to confuse everyone as much as i am confused ya know :/ hmm im sure everyone is already pretty confused anyway though

im gonna try to explain things again to them.. i just hope that i dont let them trick me again, just cant believe they said i was non-compliant because i was stating concerns / side effects and desires to change medications and not take so many pills and disagreeing with everyone telling me that im manic... i mean how do you even be manic for so long on so many drugs when you are just really depressed, catch 22???
but the truth is i dont think i ever really showed them that i was depressed even, i dont really know what i did or was doing.. all i know is i was just trying to get myself help and trying to make the whole process smooth because i cant stand conflict or confrontation or being controlled/manipulated or mistreated or whatever :/
but whatever... maybe ive learned something subconsciously and will be able to convey stuff in a ... proper... manner... i think it made them mad that i would try to write things down and try to get them to read it because i wouldnt be presenting most of the stuff i tried to talk about - but i read somewhere that a patient can behave much differently in the doctors office... well, i dont go ANYWHERE i dont leave the house and dont visit people and so when i do go out of course im gonna be freaked and out of my mind trying to cope - but i dunno, im going to get a therapist this time and force myself to do it no matter how much i scream and kick and bleed or whatever happens happens because this stuff has to stop :/

well, i think the only thing i can do to help myself right now is to try to be nice to myself as much as possible... dont blame myself and get pissed off for trying to fake or make up things because im not faking... dont try to figure out what is going on with me because the more i try to figure out the more the voice in my head will get mad and argue with me... dont try to talk to others about things that are going on because im really ashamed... try to feed myself and make myself eat, try to sleep even though the dreams are wack... just try to survive basically until i can get back with a doctor... but its not the pyschiatrist i am interested in, i need a trauma specializing therapist.. i guess need to figure out why or how the traumas effected me and how i can improve things in my mind.. but i cant do it on my own so im just trying to distract those obsessive parts that demand to know whats going on...
im such a baby :/

grr i have evil malice in my mind that wants to annoy me and frustrate me and try to convince me of this and tell me thats wrong and convince me of that and tell me im making it up

dont listen to it ... but then i really am faking!

do you ever find yourself in another world smiling and being someone else and realize all your problems and feel like a complete fraud, some jerk that just manipulates everything.. i live in many worlds i think or the worlds are alive inside of me

but i give up on that, im not doing it anymore!
a car cant put itself back together, i need a mechanic
its not for me to figure out on my own, im pulling alot of trickery and just not able to trust myself i guess, so i'm discarding all of those things... well obviously i cant delete it, but its going on a shelf until i can give it to a therapist..

you know you have to stop when you start seeing too many symtpoms, when too many things start lining up, when it cant be true because it just doesnt seem possible for all of that to be happening to a person :/

the old treatment team used to tell me the diagnosis isn't important... the symptoms are what matter, we treat the symptoms, not the diagnosis... *shrug*
pills dont fix this stuff ya know? it will just dope me up and make me ... i dunno, conform to whatever they tell me... i dont want to be submissive, i dont want to be controlled... i want to regain control...

well... thats why i took my signature off, those diagnosis dont matter... they tell me i have this, they tell me i have that, they say these things dont add up, these things are inconsistent.. i probably dont have the things the psychologist diagnosed me with even... but it still gonna cost 1600$ - im an idiot

dunno how i am ever gonna pay all these things... i know its up to atleast 6000$... and im just tired of being dependent... im supposed to be 26 years old, even though im not supposed to be... im more like a 7 year old or something... but i've always been intellectual and smart, atleast so they tell me :/ or used to tell me all the time that i was some prodigy or genious or something.. the schools used to put me in the newspapers with the other "smart" kids... but i dont really remember anything, the things i do remember it just wasnt me..
i think im being tricked :/ some kind of joke some one is playing on me or something - lol :/ i dont really believe that but i wish it was true, would be better... otherwise i really am just crazy...

i've lost alot of weight :/ 20-30 lbs or so i guess
but its fine.. i used to weigh only 120-130 lbs back and forth before i started taking those stupid pills they made me take... im probably 155 now... i was 175 in january - i dont have a weight scale though so cant really see, all i know is my wrists have gotten back to the way they used to be and im starting to feel so small again, ill just curl up in the chair and hold my self..

i do love myself, but i make myself so angry sometimes, and i will say i hate myself so much but i really dont...

i get scared sometimes, but right now im just back in that cloud i ride around in and cant really tell... i mean if you drop a pen on the floor im gonna jump but thats not the same kind of scared that i will get, its like when you know you are about to die kind of scared, i mean i have almost died a few times so its something that i have felt a bunch.. looking the end in the face, it just becomes blank for me though because i cant remember the past... cant remember things besides when a flashback happens

and depending on what kind it is it'll make me feel so... blah :/ i prefer the ones where i was almost killed rather than the ones that make me feel disgusting - but i try to tell myself that it really wasnt my fault, that i couldnt stop it.. but i will tell myself that im so stupid because i wanted it to happen, and it kept happening and i wouldnt do anything to stop it, but i really dont...

its just not my fault i was just a kid and didnt know what to do, what a stupid stupid fool :/ i should of staid no, and ran or told someone or... anything but letting it happen.. disgusting...

whatever, maybe it didnt happen, but i know it did.. it happened alot... grrr
i remember when i was like 4 or 5, i cant remember if he actually did it but he wanted me to drink his pee

i dont know if that happened...
he did things with all of us, but he did things to me more for some reason he liked me more...
why am i saying this? geezus - i dunno, i just went back in time for a moment

i make myself sick - im gonna stop thinking about it, i gotta get out of this bubble becufore i start crying...