I've been extremely unstable this month and have been suicidal during the majority of this time. I have been unable to go to my classes for the past 3 weeks or so. I've been hospitalized during this time too for suicidal reasons. I was placed on a 5150, involuntarily hold, because I cut my wrist. I f-ing hated it. I never want to go again. I think I'll die before I ever go back there.
A student affairs case manager from the university reached out and contacted me in concern. I don't know how but he found out about my 5150. This makes me feel strange. I met and spoke with him yesterday. He helped me with determining how to move forward in regards to the university and with my classes and working with my professors. I felt better about it after I spoke to him because he helped me with how to approach my professors. He is emailing them too and feel like he helps legitimize everything I'm going through and makes me feel better about it.
I spoke to 2 of my professors today. The first one I spoke to was fully willing to work with me in determining the best path for me. I told him I want to try and finish the semester as I think that's one of the few or only things that could help me feel or get "better". Or it could absolutely have the opposite effect and put me in a worse state if failing to do so. He is allowing to basically ignore the points from the period I have missed. He is even allowing me to do an incomplete which is having time after the semester ends to finish all of the work that the professor would require me to do. Within a one year time frame and on my own time I think? I don't think I want to do that though because I want to try and finish the semester.
The second professor....was not willing to work with me at all or provide any alternatives for me to make up the time I've missed. I told him I was extremely uncomfortable talking more in depth of my situation but once feeling like I was backed up against the wall, I offered to show him the papers/brochure that the psych hospital gave me that I had in my bag to show proof and how serious it was for me. He said it wasn't needed and dismissed it. He said it wouldn't be fair to give someone else an advantage and had to keep the level of the playing field the same for everyone. Are you fudging serious? I was born at a disadvantage from others and its just not fair I have to be or feel like this for the entirety of my life. I don't want to be or feel like this. I wouldn't wish I was dead or never born if I didn't. People don't realize how incredibly crippling depression and anxiety can be and along with having ADHD. I'm waiting to see a neurologist as well to determine any other possible learning disabilities. So basically I have to get somewhere around an A on the final exam to pass. He said he believes in me and to believe in myself that I can do it. F u. When considering the probability of doing so is far outweighed by the negatives. Especially because I feel like that often times that my grades on exams are widely varied and cannot be guaranteed or counted on to a high degree like this no matter how much I study. I was starting to tear up and have a runny nose while starting to get an anxiety attack inside. It was hard to actually articulate anything. I asked about the idea of an incomplete but he didn't know what that was. I tried to explain to him from what I understand but he wants me to go to admissions to find out specifics about it. Incompletes are given solely based on the professor's discretion. It's up to them if they want to give the student that option. Like wtf? You should go figure it out yourself. You're the one that needs to understand what it is so you can determine to allow me to pursue that option or not. He tells me to take time to think about what I want to do and tell him next week....so I leave now and go home and my head hurts. Not to mention I'm already on probation. If the semester doesn't go well then I am dropped from the university. Then I really will go...well let's just say I will be nowhere to be found. I feel more and more backed into a wall.
Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk