That's it. Just feel unequipped to handle the stress and pressure of life, decisions, failures, fears. The usual.

I have worked hard in a lot of different therapies, meds, courses, etc. in the past and made incremental, off and on improvement. But all is back now, and truth be told, I don't want to go on living. Not even if there are some uptimes (and there are precious few).

I have a family. That sense of responsibility and guilt is all that keeps me here, and the fear of ending things finally.

I feel thoroughly miserable today, and it seems I've forgotten the myriad of techniques and to-dos from DBT therapy and coping mechanisms. I guess that's one reason I'm posting here - to vent and as a first step, acknowledging some of the problems. Perhaps I'll soon be able to pause and be mindful that I'm just here right now, I'm all right, and maybe I can do the next right thing and not ruminate on the entire past and future and try to boil the ocean at once.