Those who know my story here I think it is safe to say I have been trying really really hard to get well, battling severe depression and several medical issues. I've been struggling to find therapy, agreed to a new antidepressant, have been dragging myself to support groups, trying to remain at work, and finally getting myself into a partial hospital program.

I've been in the P.H. program for two weeks now. It is DBT based. Some of the skills are helping relieve the suicidal ideation but the long term problems that have left me hopeless are still there.

This week they've proposed some solutions to that too. The solutions are the same ones I've been trying for ten years, struggling with for ten years, but have not improved my life or my situation. And led me back to depression last December.

I can not do that again. My situation and health is much worse now so those ideas are much less likely to work now than they did over the past ten years, if they failed me then they are not going to succeed now. I shouldn't say "not" I should say "unlikely". The situation is that given the "unlikely" prognosis I have no desire to reinvest that time, risk, pain, and effort into trying again.

Also I no longer want to invest the time, pain, and effort into even getting well anymore. I've been struggling with this for months working against crushing depression. The P.H. program wants to keep me full day for at least another week. I don't know why that matters to me as I've been failing to be able to work for a few hours in the morning so I certainly won't be able to go to work for a half day. I'm just at this point too tired I think I'm worn out.

I've still got no help around, in spite of reaching out as much as I can and asking for help. Everyone I know has their own lives and their own problems and no time to visit or talk to me even when I explicitly ask and explain that and why I need it.

I'm worn out from trying for so hard and so long, I'm alone with no support in this, and I'm looking--at best--at a repeat of the last ten unhappy years. Strike three.