I didn't know what else to title this.

I'm in a numbed state right now after almost constant philosophical worry. Several day obsessing over nihilism and trying to discuss it online, includig a protracted conversatin with someone who claims to be an almost all-around nihililst (existential, moral, epistemological), and also be extremely psychologically healthy with no depression at all - if anything, he says it cured his decade of depression.

Depressed people, he claims, are nihilists who don't know it. That depressive thoughts like "It's all pointless" and "I'm worthless" are truths depressed people understand; they're just depressed by it because they can't accept the nihilistic reality that all life is lies and illusion, that the true, honest, good life you want to live does not, cannot exist, that meaning doesn't exist. It's kind of a projection of depressive realism...except there was a paper that showed that depressive realism isn't a real thing. The differences are so negligible, that the claim that "depressed people have fewer delusions" isn't really valid. Regardless, he said, letting go of delusions of standards and shoulds makes everything easier, reduces your suffering.

I don't know what to think. I'm not sure if I believe it. I find it hard to get my mind around the idea of not having ideals, standards, not comparing.

I think the whole thing scared me into the possibilty that my depression is about to be cured. The greatest source of my pain is self-inflicted pressurel but the weirdest part is I'm attached to it. It's....meaningful to me, the stress of perfectionism (even when it leads to laziness), the need to match my own standards. I can't explain why. But it hurts to think that I'm just being stupid when I do this, that it's all for nothing. That I'm deluded to feel my pain or effort means anything. It hurts, and I'm ashamed that it hurts, so I'm paralyzed now. I can't really consciously feel anything, I'm just numb and scrambling for coherence.

I might have seen what reality is, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. But other people accept it with no feelings, isn't that the correct thing to do? But part of nihilism is dispensing with standards like that, but doing so seems nonsensical. Is it any wonder I feel lost?