View Single Post
 
Old Apr 28, 2016, 10:10 AM
Reggio Calabria Reggio Calabria is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2016
Location: SW Virginia
Posts: 1
Quote:
Originally Posted by ciderguy View Post
OfficeWarrior,

This 5-month-old message jumped to the top of the heap, with it's very intriguing title, because of the April addendum. Like a shark drawn to blood, I had to read it all.

I have mixed emotions about divorce and children. When my wife divorced me, I was horrified at the impact that it might have on my 2-year-old son; rightfully so, as things turned out. She had a new husband/father waiting in the wings, she immediately became pregnant with his child and I quickly became the superfluous dad. My little townhouse and meeting the girls that I dated couldn't compare to the safety of a two-parent, one sibling home. I went crazy, lost all custody and haven't seen my 21 year old son since he was 3 ½. I'll never get a chance to meet him.

There's this strange thing that happens when it's the father that is forced out of the family home (which, of course, I gave up without a fight; I didn't want to see my son grow up in the type of accommodations that my wife could have afforded). You're part of a family. And then the divorce is finalised and you're no longer part of a family. In my case, the new husband and father slid right in and took my place.

Don't believe the lie that "you're still a father." Those 2 ½ days over a two week period, feeling guilty about keeping my son away from his "family" every other major holiday, etc. Unless you have a sort of miracle judge, you're going to "lose" your kids in a divorce. Something that you already know.

I read a book after my divorce named Fatherless in America. It may still be in print. What was remarkable about the book was the almost prescient descriptions of what father's can, more likely than not, expect from their children and their children's mother after a divorce. The book should have been a wake-up call. But it didn't have any impact at all. See if you can find a copy and read what things could be like for you and have been like for so many of us.

Personally, I find your "for the sake of the children" reasoning to be solid. You're going through hell so that your children need not. Will they recognise that there's something off in the bond between you and your wife? Most likely. But as they age they will also most likely realise that you could have abandoned them but that you didn't.

I've known far too many men who place so little value on their children, no value on the 'first' family that they created, that they dump those kids to create a new family with a new wife. I've heard those kids talk about the pain and grief that they felt at suddenly feeling that dad didn't like them any longer. Some pretty horrible stories.

If I had had a choice in the matter, I would have opted for staying together and even having more children. That may sound odd but we had always planned 3-4 children so that they would, with luck, come to be friends.

I mainly scanned some of the messages... do you and your wife still sleep in the same bedroom? Do you still have dynamite sex? I know some might think me petty for asking but I really do think that it's important for your children to see you sleeping together and maintaining intimacy.

I hate that you're in this situation. Looking back, now, I think that it's safe to say that I hated my wife for final 6 of the 7 years that we were married. Not sure how to say this, but I never stopped loving her, either. Most importantly, though, are the memories that I had for the love of my son. I've tried to let him know that the door is always open, but I just don't think that he's interested. I think that if my wife tried to make him believe anything about me, it's that I abandoned him (while leaving him a quite large and well-managed trust).

It's pitiful but if I want to see current photos of my son, I have to have old acquaintances pull them from Facebook and send them to me. They'll sometimes include photos of my wife. She almost looks younger than she did did 17 years ago, damn her. She never needed makeup or lipstick or mascara or anything like that. Her skin is as taught and wrinkle-free and her hair is as soft and golden and shining as ever. And he's so handsome. In nearly every photo he's surrounded by lovely girls. And smart. So smart. I know that his field of study has something to do with Economics but I dare not even attempt to explain what.

You don't want to get to the point where you can only love your children from afar or never be so emotionally distant that they can't tell you what they've been told of you.

You have my vote of confidence in having made the right decision in putting your children before self. It's rare these days. There's that thought that you must completely love ones self and have completely forgiven and even embraced and come to terms with ones self before you're even capable of empathy. I don't believe that.

We're all flawed. Some in different ways. I think that when we acknowledge our flaws, whatever advice we may give or suggestions we may offer become more acceptable to others. I'm not exactly sure why I am more likely to trust someone who has tried and failed. Maybe I identify more someone who struggles, someone more like me.

I'll close. Just wanted to offer my support and well wishes. It seems that opinions are split here, but I believe that you've thoroughly thought of most possible outcomes and are acting on the one that has the least possible negative affects on the people that you love
This is a great post, and I feel terrible for you not knowing your son. I'm in somewhat the same boat as the OP - in a 15 year marriage (we're late 40's), and two small kids. Wife and I had a good relationship until the kids arrived, then she became a total nag - everything I did was wrong (feeding the kids, clothing the kids, driving, etc etc etc). Now she's totally lazy - instead of feeding the kids at a reasonable time, she sits on her rear playing her iPhone games while the kids are either on an iPad or playing in another room. They won't eat until 7:00, then she won't pick up the kitchen when done. She's always on her phone playing games while the kids play - she won't take them anywhere, while I'm always taking them places (and she doesn't go with us - I don't want her complaining about everything so I just take them myself).

Sex life is nonexistant, which is fine as she's allowed herself to put on 50 lbs and she doesn't weigh much less than me. She joined Jenny Craig with a couple friends, but while they're still on the program, she claims that she can't do it even though we're paying for it (she also has no concept of money - she thinks that we have a machine that just prints money).

Needless to say, I'm very unhappy in this marriage, but like you stated, I don't want my kids to think I abandoned them (wife is very immature, and she'd be the type to say bad things about me to them when I'm not around). If I'm around, then I can keep my influence with them, then when they're out of the house I can finally leave (although I'll be technically a senior citizen by then). I just do things with them without Mommy whenever I can - I want them to be active and not sit around like their mother.