I had a rough weekend. I had to face the guy that did it at work and he asked me if I wanted to party with him. I said no and called my friend and asked him to walk me home. Before that I saw the guy who had abused me freshman year. He stayed and talked to me for 20 minutes. He wanted to know why I didn't call him or hang out with him any more. After my friend walked me home we went to McDonalds and I had 3 combo meals. Back at home I really wanted to purge, but my house mates were home so I couldn't. I just sat in the bathroom and cried. After I pulled myself together a bit I called the friend that I told about the incident. He talked to me for a good 2 hours.

This is really hard for me to say, but I think that I was sexualy assaulted. I went through a lot of denail and self hate over the weekend, but I think that's what happened. Saying that is so hard. I'm afraid of how this is going to change my life now that i said it. I don't want to be different. I want to be the same.

By denying that it happened I didn't have to feel. I'm afraid to feel. I'm afraid that if I let it out it will define me. I want to stay numb, but I can't.

I HATE HAVING TO SEE HIM ALL THE TIME! I HATE THAT HE STILL WANT'S TO PARTY WITH ME! I HATE THAT I AM EXPECTED TO TREAT HIM THE SAME AND SMILE AT HIM! I HATE NOT BEING THE SAME AS I WAS!!!!!

i just want to go back...i'm sorry I just feel so lost right now.