I just finished reading all 6 pages of your posts - you have an incredible ability to express yourself. Many things that you said struck a chord with me! How I wish I knew of a way to help you (and myself while I'm at it). Someone else suggested you share what you've written with your therapist/pdoc - I think that's an excellent idea - especially if you have a hard time verbalizing it.

I know that some day you'll be able to take the happy mask off and just let a genuinely happy you shine thru!!

Hang in there...