I wish I was 21 again (I'm 50ish). I've spent decades living a lie, putting on a happy face etc. My advice to you is to not give up and work real hard at healing (I know, easier said than done). Do you have a therapist?

I think posting your feeling here at PC is a great start to healing. Read about other folks struggles and post when you can - it makes me feel better and that like I have some purpose on this planet...

Hang in there