Not at all into sports (that made me chuckle a little).

He's a reporter, he's a huge nerd, into SCA, teaches fencing (which stems from SCA...he's really good at it, though). He's a nerd, but he's a ruggedly attractive, sword-wielding one. He will have a few drinks here and there, but doesn't get crazy anymore. He's in his mid-forties; while he has what can be categorized as a serious MI (he's bipolar, he's been open about it since I've known him) he has lived past the instability. He's very stable and has been for years.

He was playing cards with friends tonight. I wrote out a whole message to send. Didn't send it. I had a message exchange where I was very honest about where my head was at, basically saying that I felt a bit shy about the fact that I was feeling like "classic Ruari" and had some things on my mind which may come off as needy or pushy, and wasn't sure how to voice them. He said, "Like what?" I talked briefly about the boundaries and, since he was at the store at the time said, "Hey, it's not an urgent matter. This isn't grocery-disrupting-worthy. " So he messaged when he got home and it was an okay exchange. He's pretty easygoing, and I think he sees a change in my behavior enough that he's willing to give me some leeway...I'm working on how I cope with stress and relationships, but I'm not a totally different person.

I'm trying to play it cool. I'm horrible at it. I so so so wish I were better at it. The less chill I have, the more ashamed I feel. OMG, I had no chill when we were on video chat last night. Thank goodness he found that ridiculously amusing and cute, and not annoying.

Oh, we talked about the level of communication. I said I didn't need to talk everyday, I just needed to know we were on the same page, basically. That, and a "good morning" is really nice. He said, "It sure is. I just got busy with things today." I told him this wasn't about that at all (I guess it is, but...) He said he didn't think it was. Really, I've had questions since we started talking.

Trying to play it cool. Trying to lower my expectations. I've just always been awful at this. Awful. That's what that other "I feel hopeless" thread is about. I'm being really hard on myself. I've never had any relationship last longer than a year. I don't really even know how to do this. I feel confident in myself in every other way except for how to interact with someone I think is awesome. And how to trust, work out conflict, and just freaking chill (yes, my T and I are actively working on this).