thankyou.

i found this:

For abused and neglected individuals, chronic re-experiencing and avoidance of traumatic memories, combined with a deficient, fragmented self system, form a psyche that is unable to provide the soothing, self-regulation and integration of self-states required for adequate psychological functioning. Such vulnerability gives rise to primitive annihilation and disintegration terror; as Fairbairn described, “the terror of objectlessness” (in Grand & Alpert, 1993), floating in an abyss of isolation and hopelessness. In order to escape awareness of this state, the child disconnects in a “dead spot” of experience (Kestenberg in Schore, 2002) in which “both the subjective self and intersubjective field instantly switch off and do not exist” (Schore, 2002, p. 454). In essence, this represents the equivalent of infinitely re-experienced internal and external abandonment.

i feel... like i'm fragmenting sometimes. breaking up. i wish someone could hold me :-(