Thats what I did today. Talked, no hidden motives, no fantasy game, just plain old "here it is" talking.

As I did that I slowly "awakened" and realised T is sitting right in front of me, and the 2 levels I have been functioning on, starting to peel.

I felt I was being real, and I felt T was there in the room as well.

She asked about the emails the wkend. I said it was either email her with my pain or drink, and I choose to risk the rejection by her rather than drink.

She asked me what I thought her reaction to my emails would be?

I said I afraid you'd email me back saying not to keep emailing you. She kinda of laughted and said that would be a nice thing to say to someone reaching out for help.

I feel more together today, having talked over my childhood guilt at never feeling I was grateful enought to my adoptive mother, who told me what grateful should look like

I never seemed to reach her delusions, now I know why. Its actually quite funny if it weren't so sad. Being told what love and gratitude "should" look like, instead of allowing the person to show their own understanding and meaning of love and gratitude.