i don't really know why i haven't talked about it much lately... but here's the whole story...

for a few weeks a friend of mine has been kind of...ignoring me... she distanced herself from me and a couple of our other friends, until one friday she entirely didn't come to the mall (we go every friday) so i started asking her about it, and she really beat around the bush, and i finally got it all out of her... (first kinda implying that she was being a drama queen...) so she got into how i talk about evan too much... now this person has been the person i've gone to probably the most about it, i thought she would understand this... but the other this is, she's been having a problem, and sometimes i would just say simply, "thats kind of an evan thing to do" (regarding her boyfriend... or ex...) and i guess she took that as me making everything into evan and me (i do that so she knows she is justified to feel how she feels because in the situation with evan i never felt justified... me mentioning it is implying that there is a severity to what she was going through) so when she said that to me three days ago i lost it... i swore at her a lot... i just completely lost it... it really hit a raw nerve... so then i calmed down a bit, so we decided to get everything out that was irking ourselves about each other... and some of the things she said about me... were things evan said to me back in the day... and when i tried defending myself from what she said, i felt like i was defending myself from evan... i became increasingly desperate in my defense, until i totally and completely lost it again... shaking, crying hysterically, clenching all my muscles and i curled up into a ball in my chair... when i defend myself against evan, there is no way for me to get him to believe me, so i feel like the things i am saying to defend myself are just excuses i am making, and i end up not believing myself at all.... well i mentioned all this in my post in the depression section so i'm just going to go on with it... so i had been crying about it all day for two days, and the next day i had to go to school because i am active in the music department and me and a few of my friends and others in the music department at my school went to set up the music rooms for the new choir teacher... my boyfriend was also there... and he practically totally ignored me... given the things i had gone through lately... i felt like, "why does everyone ignore ME? what did i do this time? did i really change that much? what did i do? what does everyone have against me?".... i had always been the one everyone paid attention to... mainly because everyone was there for me during the evan situation. (for those of you who don't know... im not going to get into it) there were like... 5 instances when he totally ignored me... not like, i said something and he didn't respond... just my prescence... like i wasn't there... so i didn't say anything to him really... so i cried even more all yesterday... because when people ignore me... its because i've done something terribly wrong... evan did it to me so many times... my friend steph then did it... then my boyfriend ignored me... when i needed him most. so last night i finally did it. i cut on my ankles... then my friend sean convinced me to call my boyfriend... and i tried not to, but i just cried my eyes out on the phone with him... he ignored me because he had been depressed lately, and since i was depressed he didn't want me to know he was depressed because he was afraid it would make me more... he tried to tell me i didn't do anything... but i don't believe him... i can't believe anything from anyone anymore. i don't even try to get myself not to cut anymore.