There's a huge difference between baby blues and post partum depression. I'm not sure if you have a history with bipolar or not. Regardless, the PPD is MISERABLE. I had it with my first, but was too scared to mention it to anyone. I did what it sounds like you're doing - pushed on remembering that I had to keep going for my child, but I was horribly depressed the whole time. It affected my ability to make/retain memories from that time, and I am deeply saddened now that I can't remember most of it. I remember how overwhelming it all was, and I remember not being able to stop crying for days on end, except when someone else was around and I was scared for them to see me that way.

With my second, I realized that I had had PPD with the first, so I expected it. It was even worse with him that it was with my first. I spoke up and talked to my doctor. She put me on a medication that helped with the overwhelming depression. It wasn't the right one for me, in the end, because it made me completely flat. I think that was better than the unending, ever-deepening depression, but sometimes I'm not sure. Anyway, I left that med behind and tried to cope on my own. It took me about 3-4 years after my second to get back to rights, more or less.

Around that time, I realized I had bipolar. If I had known at the time, perhaps we could have found a better med for me, or maybe some other techniques that have helped since I found out. Maybe knowing wouldn't have made a difference. Either way, I wish I had mentioned it to my doctor the first time around, and that I had worked with my doctor the second time to find the right med. I spent around 7 years in depression, with small breaks here and there. It was SO not worth keeping quiet about it or giving up on finding something that worked.

It may eventually go away on its own, but you don't want to wait years and years for that to happen. And you definitely DON'T want it to get worse, which it does for many women. Doctors are much better educated about it these days, and they can help. It is vitally important that you get support, not only with the baby but for yourself individually as well. You and your baby deserve happiness and peace and calm in this bonding time together. Being stoic and avoiding dealing with the depression can rob you of that opportunity.

I hope you can find a solution that works for you. Many, many hugs to you from someone who knows what it feels like in those shoes.