Thank you all for the input.
In response to a couple of the comments, of course since she is my daughters mother I fully and wholeheartedly expect that anything in which it is relating to our daughter that she attends. It is the 'family' events that are not specific to my daughter in which I and my wife take issue with. I think most if not all of you ex have indicated you don't think it was appropriate to go to everything however my ex doesn't have that 'filter" if you will. As I continue to ponder things it seems that by grandma saying that she is being inclusive and it is wrong for me to desire some exclusion that daughter feels it is ok for her to also exclude step-mom as appropriate "retaliation" for us wanting her mom excluded. It is just a theory at this time and without having anyone else standing up to say anything different I'm not sure how it would test out.
Again I am not saying that I want my ex to not associate with or be a part of anything relating to our daughter. More that I am not sure how to overcome the loss that has come from the continuation of support for not including myself or my wife.