I totally understand these feelings. I feel like I've been born with a death wish. It's constantly in my brain, even when things are good. I've thought about it since I was 15yo & it's never left my side.
But 80% of my life has been a struggle & I really don't see any improvement coming, but do see things getting more difficult.
My life is miserable & all I see is misery. I curse the morning & put my head down to get thru it.
Such a painful existence is a living torture. I pray for the end. Soon.
I don't expect others to understand it. So I don't talk about it. Will my existence of particle matter of life make a difference to humans in general? No. Matter fills space & then is returned to its natural form.
Sorry.
I feel your pain.