Does anyone have a fear for the absence of mania? It's basically some form of perfectionism.

Anything I do when (more or less, controlled or rampantly) manic (and it is increasingly the case that I can only do things when more or less manic), I have difficulty continuing when not manic (worse when depressed), because I fear the absence of (some) mania will reflect badly on my work.

I also fear mania, but not nearly as much as the absence of mania.

I do increasingly more when manic compared to other times, so it get increasingly worse. I am stuck. When I have successfully eased and fought depression, I am still stuck. Self-sabotage doesn't help.

The only thing that would help is a worsening of symptoms, but it can't get that much worse. So I try to gradually lessen symptoms by simulating/eliciting/inducing symptoms. But I sabotage that.

I don't get hypomanic (not anymore, has been many years).

I start to think a continuous (mild) mixed state might be best.

So another question: any advice? I don't mind being alone in this: it is quite horrible. Being stuck (and torn) when stable is horrible. I am not yet completely stuck, also still depressed in the morning and evening, but I feel like I am in an increasingly confined space. Not a dark prison or a prison (or open space) with too much light. A prison of glass.