I think you did a good job articulating. PTSD symptoms are very confusing, I was so confused by it myself. It took me a while to understand it and slowly figure out the things/situations that trigger me.

Always remember that the desire to end one's life, the impulse, is because of overwhelm and NEVER act on that impulse because it is like the other symptoms, it comes in like a wave, but receeds, so know it does go away. I had these strong impulses myself, and it was hard to talk about them. They began to slowly ease up while I worked with my therapist and slowly talked things out.

I experienced a trauma and it was a lot of sudden loss and I had a post traumatic breakdown. I struggled and got worse and things began to trigger flashbacks from the past. Now I understand that somehow PTSD can trigger past experiences that are related to the current feeling of being afraid, the stress etc. Often we do not realize this, but our brains do remember everything. I began remembering things that happened to me that interfered with my effort to progress in my life, often because of others who disrespected/hurt me in someway.

You say, you had so many failures, well, I don't know what these failures involve but somehow that affected your sense of security about moving forward and accomplishing things. Failures are not always a bad thing, we learn a great deal from failures, it means we tried and maybe we did not do something long enough to slowly figure out how to do it in a way that brings a sense of finally accomplishing.

What you need to slowly figure out is the core of what upset you the most in your life. For a lot of people it has to do with other individuals disrupting their progress and even making an effort to degrade them in someway. These people are stone throwers, sometimes they can take someone by surprise. I find that most of the people who suffer from PTSD are actually VERY NICE, KIND PEOPLE, but they were hurt by stone throwers and simply did not know what to do about it. Often "toxic" people have that element of surprise simply because they develop toxic skills they know work. A nice person doesn't intentionally have that mindset and so they can be caught off guard.

I can say for certain I have been caught off guard by toxic people. I don't think the way these kind of people think. NOT MY FAULT, NOT YOUR FAULT.