This might just be me, but I also have a fear of the absence of mania. Another fear of mania, of something starting mania, is mixed in with that one.

In other words, I'm stuck. Unless I'm manic. Then I fear mania.

I also self-sabotage, so I don't try to become manic. I just wait for depression.

In other words (even without the extra difficulties), insight is depressing. I'm stuck.