In reply to MusicLover82's post:

When mildly depressed or stable, I can function (theoretically), but within certain parameters. I can't touch what I took up/on during mania, whether I did a good job at it or not (I think I did, even if it was with difficulty due to mania). I do more (at least different things) when manic than when not, also because of this causing more mild depression, as you mostly correctly assumed, so this gets worse.

Then there is a self-sabotaging which doesn't "allow" me mania because I know it works best (not good but best). It's ridiculous.

It's honestly gets more and more a bit of a catatonic quality to it (not really influencing my freedom of movement literally, but figuratively). Like a bunny looking in the headlights of a rapidly approaching car. I just hope that at one time in my life I realise I can move.

It's not anxiety. It's really an inability coupled with (hopefully just near) destructibility.

Maybe you could best describe it as part of something "schizo" as well as "affective" (I do have schizomania, schizoaffective disorder, so it could be), I don't know. Maybe chiefly borderline, I don't know (I think it's less likely). It's just challenging to say the least.

But thanks for your story. I use NAC as well. I hope to replace all meds with supplements. Maybe someday.