Quote:
Originally Posted by smallwonderer
There was a 'one weird thing about me' thread awhile back I don't think I participated in. My weird thing is I work 80-90 hrs/week (12hr daysx7 plus or minus a little extra). It's drudgery, but I find it manageable. Of course, in that time, I still lurk on here, do other things too so debatable how much work is getting done I suppose. I sleep on average 7-8 hrs/night so I am not doing much besides work. If I were manic, I'd think it was like walking on a cloud probably would push that to 100-110+ hrs and think I was accomplishing a lot while sleeping 2-3hrs a night. When I'm experiencing a depressive phase, I work 40-60 hrs/week and it feels absolutely miserable and neverending. If I were comparing the 40-60 misery to the 100+ walking on a cloud, I'd miss the 100+ walking on a cloud. Numbers in another profession besides mine may vary... just saying the middle isn't so bad if you can find it for yourself.
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It makes
perfect sense. I just don't
truly believe it as much as other, let's call them, delusions. If strong beliefs that make functioning difficult or (in some ways) impossible are delusions, psychotic, that's what these are. And they are.
I still think the comparison with catatonia is a rather good one: you believe you can't move (if you are aware), so you can't. Until you can. I hope it's like that: at one point I discover I can just move (problem with catatonia is that freedom of movement can be momentarily: you just keep on believing what you just disproved!).
The thing is: it's getting worse. I still do a lot of work, but it becomes more difficult since I manage to focus and concentrate better (during mania and depression; together with the other things I explained).
I fear ending up (more and just; disorganised) SZ without the severe mania and depression, strange as it may sound, mostly without a (relatively slowly alternating and continuous) mixed state.
I see to possible options: better antipsychotics or more instability (with all changes in perception and beliefs: "full" affective psychosis). In the latter scenario, I would very gradually want to reduce the instability, "claiming back" more and more of it for myself, being (relatively) stable. Now it's just too much.
Maybe a combination. Maybe something completely different.