Here I am, finally fed up enough to actually seek out an online support group. My very first, lucky you. Ok a little bio on me, I'm 28, I'm in a committed relationship, going on 5 years now. I live in California, which is wonderful. I don't have to work, but I do go to school.

Whats wrong with me, how much better could it get? How can I really be so unhappy? Well I don't know the how, but I am.

Something I recently learned about myself, is that I'm really great at self destruction. I don't physical harm myself in that respect, but mentally, I put up these walls and I can't get past them.

For example, I don't take care of myself. I don't eat right, I don't exercise despite how I hate my appearance. I have a blood condition that requires I check my blood levels on a regular basis, and I barely go as often as I should. Since I don't work, it's on me to take care of all things domestic and I don't. Dish's pile up in the sink for days (we don't have a dishwasher even ugh!) Laundry never gets put away if I do it, and doesn't get done as often as it needs too. When we moved into the this apartment the carpet was brand new, so we have all this ugly icky carpet fuzzies that gather and just drive me crazy, but do I vacuum?? No of course not. Oh, I am a student in college, I love my classes, but it's an epic battle in my head and will to just go to class, let alone do the work, or take notes.

I want to go to school and do well. I believe I can, I just hit this damn wall. I want the apartment to look nice and provide a relaxing place to come home to. But I don't do what needs to be done.

I sleep too much, go to bed too early sleep too late, I'm so irritable and moody that it's like this other person lives in me. My fiance is just beside himself, I'm surprised he's still here.

I am destroying myself from within, and I know it, and yet I do nothing. I miss class, we have no clean silverware, and I have nothing clean to wear when we go out tonight. (Like I really wanna go out anyway *sighs*)

I'm angry, lost, cynical, foggy, sleepy, and failing miserable at just basically being a human being.

Why can't I fix me?!?!