The title of this post says it all. For the longest time my anger problems have been very hard and complicated when I try to explain it to some, especially the past T's I have seen.

But they don't understand. Ever. Let me go out on a rant and explain something to y'all who are reading this. EVERY time I have seen a therapist and said the words: "I can't control it, I can't walk away. It's not that simple, ever." They ALWAYS ALWAYS reply with disagreement, trying to tell me that I can control it. But they haven't been in my body, they have not felt the things I have felt, or done the things I wanted to do, and yet they are so quick to say that I can??? I swear, these sessions don't tell me jack squat. What I want to do is have CONTROL over the anger and extreme impulsiveness in the moment, and that feels virtually impossible when the therapists tell me what I'm feeling. Typically when I did see them, all they could suggest is to avoid the situation completely WHICH COMPLETELY DOESN'T HELP THE SITUATION. I can walk away all I want, but do you really think that doing THAT would possibly stop me from going out of control again? Of course it won't! I feel like I am out of options with controlling it, because I can't explain it in a proper way to them to get them to understand that how I feel in the moment, and how I feel after. Heck, even they couldn't even tell me what is even going on with me. I have discussed this A LOT with my father, and he agrees that what I am going through is not depression. In fact he has the same problem as well, as it is apparently genetic. I'm not asking to be cured 100% completely because I know it is not possible, but all I wanted was to understand why I feel the way I do and why I do the things I do.
Now that I got that out of the way, I will attempt to explain what happens during an outburst. If you have any ideas as to what the hell this is, please feel free to say so. I just want answers, not a magic pill or a flawless way to control it.

To start, I will say that my emotions are sort of dulled, except for my anger. It is not that I am 100% numb, however it is just that I cannot feel things as well as my anger. So I do feel happy, etc, but typically its emptiness. Now typically I am having an outburst because I want something. (For example, I'll use people being loud, such as my uncle who lives with us). He is VERY loud and he yells at his children who come over, and guess what? They're 5 and 7. So they're loud, he is loud, and it causes a conflict. It is honestly like a light switch. Once it turns on, my mind just races at breakneck speed, making me unable to be aware or think about anything else for except I want, and those thoughts will just race and race, bringing up more thoughts or ideas to achieve what I want. My adrenaline goes, and boom. I feel a strange heaviness and urge just to get what I want. All it takes is 2 LITERAL seconds to feel it and I find myself doing it, without thinking about the future, consequences, or anything else. I just, do it... After I have done what I wanted, I feel better and my mind just goes to a blank state. No nothing after the outburst except for some satisfaction. Now don't get me wrong. I do know between right and wrong, but just during the moment it is as if that conscience just gets thrown out the window.

I'm not freaked out by this, but I just want to be understood, and want to know to understand what is going on. This has sort of destroyed my social life. I just need some assurance that somebody, somewhere out there knows what I mean. Thank you for reading this if you have been able to go over the whole thing, and as I said before, I am open to suggestions to try and cope.