You tried to get me to talk about it today, this push-pull thing, what's going on between us that's causing it, even asked me if I feel anger towards you, I want to talk about it I do, but I don't know how, all's I know is I love you and I feel like that's wrong of me, and today I was trying to be there in the moment and just feel what I feel and not try to explain or figure it out just whatever, but I couldn't do it, I could hardly look at you, and the few times I did look at you, I looked away quickly. One of those times you had that look on your face again... the one where you're just sitting there being all of you accepting all of me, and I couldn't take it, I had to tell you to stop it and look away. what in heaven's name is going on with me? with us? Oh, I don't understand this at all. I want to talk about it, I need to talk about it, but I'm so nervous I can't. When you look at me like you were today, like you're seeing right into my very soul, it makes me want to run away and hide. And it's not because I don't trust you. Because I do. It's just, it's been a very long time since anyone has looked at me that way. A very very long time. 30 flipping YEARS, okay? And it was Jill that used to look at me that way. She saw ME. So rarely does anyone see past all of my defenses. She did though. And so do you. Maybe that's why it makes me want to run away now. Because it reminds me of her. I don't know. Gah I hate this. I want to talk to you right now!!! Perhaps I will write some about it....use my angst in my art, or something.

I love you, t. And I'm sorry if I shouldn't. And I'm sorry that I couldn't talk about it today.

And I 'm sorry but I'm feeling like I just can't do this anymore.