I have no idea when it started. I just remember that I went to the psychiatrists about three years ago just so she could tell me I'm not schizophrenic. She did. But it was so long ago and many things has changed. When I was little I've seen one of my family members having a psychotic break: a very dangerous, obscure man, an alcoholic, often paranoid, also a deviant. I was really scared then. Perhaps that's the origin of these thoughts. My family has a long history of mental health problems.
I am myself very strange, my anxiety problems and panic disorders begun very early in my childhood. I also had many AS traits and OCD. My reactions are not always normal. But that terrible fear of developing psychosis or schizophrenia is just something that adds to my suffering.
As a result of bullying I struggle with paranoid thoughts. My nervous system is generally extremely hypervigilant. I have many intrusive thoughts since my early teens, it is a daily struggle. I also experience many strange bodily experiences, like hipnagogia, vivid dreams, hypnopompic states.
It wasn't that bad when I had a job and friends (Yes, there was a time in my life, lasting for about 2 years, when I was pretty socially active, I was in a very popular group of people: but now most of these people had moved away and with the rest of them things didn't go very well because I got too overwhelmed).
I stopped socialising about a year ago and stopped going out after I've lost my job due to financial cuts. The thing is that I find socialising so overwhelming that I dont want to go back anymore. And the thoughts of me being mentally ill, possibly psychotic are something that just makes a huge "stop" sign in my mind. I cannot let myself go out and be with people anymore, even if I would start to feel this need again.
I spend my days at home, have nothing to do, nothing to look forward to. This situation is great for this particular phobia.
I am extremely hypervigilant to sounds: I constantly check if the sounds I hear are real. My emotions are not too well: one day I was almost sure I'm crazy because my narcissistic mother got so scary in her fight with my dad that I started to believe that she is going to kill herself.
I also experience some pseudohallucinations often when I'm stressed or hangovered: seeing shadows with the corner of my eye, imagining lots of things so it almost seems as a hallucination.
I've been constantly checking my emotions and thoughts. And they often feel not right. Lately I've started having this feeling of "loosing" the words in my head, like I want to verbalize a thought, but I can't. I started to make mistakes when I write.
My depression and suicidal ideation happens from time to time. Having no routine makes my sleep pretty messed up.
I also remember being so tired after trying some heavy physical job that I just stopped speaking for a few hours, just sat in the chair, feeling totally numb and that reminded me of schizophrenia.
I feel like I'm just the "perfect" person for this illness and there's no way I can avoid it. Right now I'm in this flat emotional state where I care about nothing. My ambitions are gone this year, I don't feel like doing anything.
Lately I also started to daydream a lot (I used to do that as a child and a teen when I was lonely, too) and I constantly imagine conversations and speak in my head a lot. Like, really, A LOT. Also, before I say something to my parents I like to say the words in my head first a few times and then I don't even feel the difference whether I'm gonna speak it out loud or just in my mind.
__________________
I have many NVLD and Asperger's traits.
Meds-free since 2013
Medical issues: Congenital Hypothyroidism, NCAH, others
Closely check your physical health before getting a mental illness dx.
|