Dear t: I don't know how to talk to you anymore. Something has changed between us and I don't know what it is. It isn't you, you were warm and calm and asking the right questions as usual but something just felt.... different.... off... I don't know what it is and I felt sad and nervous yesterday because I couldn't just SAY it, that something has changed. You even asked "what is going on between us, causing this push-pull?" That was exactly the question I wanted to ask but couldn't spit it out, and I couldn't even tell you that I didn't know the answer, I just babbled about everything else under the sun. Maybe I'll write you a letter and mail it. I don't even want to email. It's happening again you know. I 'pushed' you away yest and didn't talk about it and insisted on scheduling out 2 weeks and now I sit here and want you immediately. I hate this so much. I hate these feelings. I told you yesterday I just wanted to be able to let them happen, and not have to understand, but that was as much as I could say and I don't think it really told you anything. Gah. I wish I had the finances for twice weekly. It would probably do me a lot of good right now. Bah.